He will pick me tonight

Flipped through an old notebook of mine and found hundred of lines written in my handwriting's of 'Baby will pick me tonight.'
I used to believe in affirmations do work. Thus, I'd spend time writing lines and lines of those. And, no doubts, it always came true..

Him picking me - my favourite. Which girl wouldn't love her boyfriend to pick her up after work/tuition? I'm no exception.. And thinking about it, I sure do miss the past. Past of us sharing a drink, a set meal, a bed, a quilt, a kiss and a breath.. So many things.. I miss him, even till now.
Four months have past, I can't deny in any way I've changed or moved on. But, a part of me just couldn't get over him.
I'm mentioning his name almost everyday. Everything I see, everywhere I go, no matter what I'd sure tell my friends about what we did before, together.
And now, I'm afraid that one day I might just run out of things to say, run out of things to say that reminds me of you. I feel so dumb, but I'm not trained in this.
I'm not trained to be strong/smart/wise after a major break up.. And now I'm still trying to be, learning to be.
And my fear is that the learning part may take too long. I'm afraid I will not recover anymore. I'm afraid of stepping into love again, giving my heart to someone I do not love as much as I love you. I'm afraid of breaking someone's else's heart. I'm afraid to do anything right now, for every step I take; someone's bound to get hurt.
Sometimes, I'd rather me - myself getting hurt.


I don't want to force you to be with me, because that's gonna hurt you. And I do not want to move on, because like I said, someone's bound to get hurt.

I will suffer alone, die alone. I don't want you to get hurt.
I miss you, but I do not want to see you anymore. I want you to enjoy your life, you need to be happy. You can't see me being hurt, you can't see me in this state right now and I do not wish you to see me too. You can forget me, forget my name, forget my contact number.. But, I'll still love you baby.

I was choked by my tears when I wrote this for you.. I guess everything that happened during our relationship - 1 year 3 months, the start, between and after, they all meant a lot to me. I loveyou, i really do.