I was late for school today

I jumped right out my bed when I saw the time was 7.30am. As quickly as I could, I got myself prepared and left the house with my bag hung over those shrugged shoulders of mine..

Journey to school wasn't long, let's say a 2 bus stop distance? But many things just ran through my mind within the short distance. Which made me wonder now, why the human mind could work so fast?

Things went like that, bad as usual. Perhaps it was worse this time round.
I thought about what I did last night before going to bed - my Algebra worksheet. Yes, that was it! I spent 1 hour on it and hoping I could finish it by 1 am before I could tuck myself in bed.
It wasn't actually.
I was disrupted by a message before I could finish the worksheet. But that message did not come by itself, it was rather, a reply from Z.

That hurtful message that showed how he looked upon me as - A girl that constantly tells people on Facebook and blog about how bad her ex boyfriend was.
I was wondering, when did I ever say bad things about him? And why did he see me as this type of person? Why?! My heart flutters, my eyes became watery again. It was time for a big break down. I rushed to my bathroom, I couldn't even control my emotions. I cried and my heart sank to its deepest when I laid on the bathroom tiles. It was so cold, in the dark and rainy night..
I couldn't get an answer, on why he's so cruel? Wasn't he?!
Yes, I admit. I do write things about him, but don't he realize what I wrote were all good and happy memories about us? Don't he even notice that I do not go around and tell people how fucking bad he is? I did not. I just knew, when I write about us. I'm writing to remember, not to hate or whatsoever negative stuffs.
I do not bear grudge against him, much less to say I hate him. But why, why? Why do he think of me as a low down girl that goes around smearing his name?
I looked back at all my past archives.. Just what did I do wrong? Where did it went wrong?

I just didn't know. And, just let me thank you for teaching me this hurtful lesson. I'm done with this. I couldn't imagine nor believe this is how you look upon me. Thank you, my love.

You're a nice guy, a really nice guy. But maybe, you, or maybe we; humans just can't stand people like me. I'm too sentimental, I'm being unable to let go of the old..
I told you, we are different. I can't be like you. I can't say to stop loving you, then I will stop. I can't. Really. This damage that I've caused is too much for me to bear. Perhaps like I said, the only regret I ever made, was; loving you too much. Too much that I finally realize I do not even love myself a single bit. Where I do not feel sad for myself, where I look in the mirror and saw how pathetic and ugly I was, yet I do not care.
We are different. You love yourself, thats good. Just don't be like me.

-

And this just caused me to be estranged in nightmares..

Reality snapped. Here I am, back in the bus; journey to school. I got down the bus, knowing I was already far later than being late.
Stepped in school and was being sent to General Office right away. As I walked, I removed my
necklace in order not to be caught by the Discipline Mistress.

And tragedy strucked. I removed the chain, and the pendant was lost. This was it! I thought in my mind. I got in the General Office and told them I need to find my belonging urgently. I dashed out, I walked at the path I took just minutes ago for upteen times. Never, never, I never had the chance to see that sparkling heart-shaped pendant with a diamond in the center, that he gave me it to me; last Christmas.

I just realize how it feels to have your world tumbling down on you for more than 1 time.. I couldn't cry, I just sat down on the canteen floor with my legs crossed towards each other. I was helpless. So helpless..
I went up class. I laugh with my classmates. I cried, I cried again. I just keep crying..
You just wouldn't understand the feeling of losing something you once, cherished so much.
Z left me, now my necklace too. Thanks so much. You call this fate? Bullshit. I don't believe in fate.

And hey look what? My Mom's yelling at me across my room corridor as I type this.
Thanks for scolding me right now. Mummy, as you came home, you did not wonder why I was looking so upset. Or maybe, you're just used to seeing my face like that. You just walked past my room and gave me an earful. Thank you for that. For scolding me at my lowest point. For scolding me for being weak crying over you scolding me.
But, reasons? You don't know how much blows I dealt with.
And I won't tell you. Fine? In your mind, I'm just that playful and lazy. Thank you Mummy and Daddy for scolding me, really. When I really need someone who can hug me tight and say 'Baby, its all gonna be fine.'


If you saw me smiling and laughing really hard tomorrow or the day after, would you still believe I'm fine?