I stay up late every night just to see you online.
Its weird, but I just need to see you online so I'll know you're safe at home then I'll be able to sleep well..

I miss you.

Your departure is permanent..
I am numbed. So fucking numbed.

27th. Her 18th birthday ♥♥

Its my sister's eighteenth birthday and I'm happy for her! Bought her a small slice of cake in the fridge and am now waiting for her to be back home while I type these out. My plan: to surprise her with the cake.

Weeeee.

Reminisce

Laying there with your arms around me, I felt so comfortable and safe. My heart was beating a mile a minute having you so close to me. As you played with my hair and kissed me, I couldn't help but smile straight from my heart. I could see how much you cared from the look in your eyes. It made me never want to let you go, to just stay wrapped in your arms forever, where nothing else matters but you and me.


That was when you tickled me till I fell off your bed and couldn't stop laughing and hiding away from you. That was when we both laughed so hard together and fell straight to the pillows due to our imbalance. That was when we played hide and seek in the dark. That was when we were the cutest couple alive. That was when we were complete. And that wasn't a long time ago. That was perhaps, 4 months ago.

Tomorrow

I think about you all the time. I doubt if you ever thought of me.

Nah, I don't want you to think of me nor think of our past. Our past will be like an anchor holding you back. I want you to move on and live life to the fullest. I want you to be free like a bird. I want you to choose the girl you love. I want you to be happy.


In the meantime, allow me to stay here and think about our past and you. I don't care if I'm going to waste years thinking of these. They were like actual fairytales that happened on me. I want to believe, I do not want to forget. And I want to, love you.

I always put a smile on my face..

But who really knows those laughters and smiles were genuine? Sometimes I'm so afraid of myself, I'm getting worse.. I don't know whats becoming of me. I'm going crazy soon. I'm fearful of everything.. Everything..

Tick tock tick tock

Its 11.50pm on the clock now. Time is a cruel thing that will never stop for us. I know I've been stucked right here since months ago. Yet now, still being unable to move a single step.
Or maybe I took a step which I took so much courage to do so - to open myself up to others.
Yeah, it was never an easy task for me to perform.
To open up simply meant texting and talking to other guys except Z. Yup, it was not easy for me to do so as I was anti-social to almost all guys in the world except my family members and Z.
It wasn't easy to do so, yet I tried and am still trying.

For the past 1 year and 3 months, Z and me have succeeded in keeping our worlds shut to everyone else except the both of us. Simply said, both of us were faithful towards each other within these 15months spent together. We had never text nor went out with anyone of the opposite gender.
So now, it have probably became a habit of mine to ONLY talk and interact with him. To accept others in my life would be difficult. But at the end of the day, I'd still have to curb this habit of mine.

Well, just a random ranting and an empty talk. I doubt I'd ever be able to do so.
I'm still anticipating for his return. Since all he want now is freedom, I'd wait till the day he's ready to settle down for a serious relationship.

The pair of broken yellow slippers

Yes, the slippers you gave me broke. It breaks my heart so much to see it broken.
I can't walk on it anymore, the slipper that I once laid my footsteps with you, together. The similar slipper we had, that you bought.
Though its just a very simple pair of slipper, I think of it as a lot. Not because I'm feeling heartbroken for you paying forty bucks over a pair of it. You know, these can't be seen in monetary terms. These are memories that were real, there were the prints that we left on places we've been to. They were all real...

People may find it amusing of me taking too hard on a broken slipper. But, no one could really understand this unexplainable feeling that haunts me so much..

Yesterday I was walking on a pair of broken slippers, many eyes were on me. I was a girl dragging her right foot with a bag hung over her shrugged shoulders, seemingly trying her way to get used to the weird stares, keeping her balance and also to hold back her tears..
It was alright to walk like a fool, like an idiot. In a pair of broken slippers that brings so much memories.. It was beautiful..

The slippers were utterly broken, beyond repair; couldn't be worn anymore. But, I'm still keeping it and feeling all unwilling to throw it away. I can't bear to.. I looked at the soles of the slippers, I could see images of us walking towards the Siloso beach, I could see us riding a twin bicycle along the beach.. It was like a time machine that brought me back to the past..
And, I can't, just can't bear to throw the past away..

Sometimes,

As usual, I caught myself still thinking about the past where we were both loving and so over each other..
Where all our fridays were spent together, just both of us, isolated from the world; that's beautiful..

Where I go up to your house, through the familiar route.. Opening your house door and your room door to find you lying on your bed, snuggling up like a little pig. I'll cuddle up to you and give you a light peck on your forehead, then, you'd open your eyes and look at me. Hug me a little more and make your way to the bathroom to wash up, I really enjoy seeing you moving the electric shaver up and down your chin to shave your little moustache..
I miss seeing you fretting over places to go, places that have good food to satisfy this girlfriend of yours..
I miss walking out through that familiar route with you, I miss you holding my hands whenever we cross the roads.. I miss you sending me home and coming up my house for dinner. I miss how my parents treat you like a family.

I miss those days, baby. Can't we have them back?

Four months ago

Exactly four months ago, about this time I wasn't home yet. I was crying somewhere out there.
Exactly four months ago, the night wasn't dry like today, it was cold and raining heavily. I did not wear enough to keep myself warm.
Exactly four months ago, I feel so much like dying...

Four months ago, things could have changed if you made the decision to.

The number 13 still haunts me. 13Feb 2009 was once of my happiest day as it was my very FIRST date out with a guy alone.
13 May 2010, I was sad and scared, I do not know how to handle break ups.


Now, four months have passed. I'm learning and still trying to be strong.

He will pick me tonight

Flipped through an old notebook of mine and found hundred of lines written in my handwriting's of 'Baby will pick me tonight.'
I used to believe in affirmations do work. Thus, I'd spend time writing lines and lines of those. And, no doubts, it always came true..

Him picking me - my favourite. Which girl wouldn't love her boyfriend to pick her up after work/tuition? I'm no exception.. And thinking about it, I sure do miss the past. Past of us sharing a drink, a set meal, a bed, a quilt, a kiss and a breath.. So many things.. I miss him, even till now.
Four months have past, I can't deny in any way I've changed or moved on. But, a part of me just couldn't get over him.
I'm mentioning his name almost everyday. Everything I see, everywhere I go, no matter what I'd sure tell my friends about what we did before, together.
And now, I'm afraid that one day I might just run out of things to say, run out of things to say that reminds me of you. I feel so dumb, but I'm not trained in this.
I'm not trained to be strong/smart/wise after a major break up.. And now I'm still trying to be, learning to be.
And my fear is that the learning part may take too long. I'm afraid I will not recover anymore. I'm afraid of stepping into love again, giving my heart to someone I do not love as much as I love you. I'm afraid of breaking someone's else's heart. I'm afraid to do anything right now, for every step I take; someone's bound to get hurt.
Sometimes, I'd rather me - myself getting hurt.


I don't want to force you to be with me, because that's gonna hurt you. And I do not want to move on, because like I said, someone's bound to get hurt.

I will suffer alone, die alone. I don't want you to get hurt.
I miss you, but I do not want to see you anymore. I want you to enjoy your life, you need to be happy. You can't see me being hurt, you can't see me in this state right now and I do not wish you to see me too. You can forget me, forget my name, forget my contact number.. But, I'll still love you baby.

I was choked by my tears when I wrote this for you.. I guess everything that happened during our relationship - 1 year 3 months, the start, between and after, they all meant a lot to me. I loveyou, i really do.

Wondering

how you are now. At this time right now, what you're doing and stuffs like that.

Hope you're doing all fine now, as far as I know, the exam seasons have ceased and you're probably enjoying your long holidays for now.. Thats good. I know what you have in mind, to play and have all the fun in the world...

As for me, I'm stucked right here. Just like how you were, last year. Busy preparing for O's, devoting all your time and energy on studying. Yes, thats what I am going through now. Though its tough, having to memorise everything and catching up with the rest of my friends, I feel so behind. I feel so discouraged to know that everyone's already done with revision and fully prepared. While me, I just got started. I feel so alone, without you and you teaching me. The assessments and notes you passed on to me are laying right in front of me. Like how you said, last year to help me with my mathematics and physics... But now you're gone and I'm left alone here... I tell you what. I'll learn by myself. I'm independent. And I love you. Goodbye.

It hurts so much to seperate because our souls are connected..

I'm different

I'll just sit here, and when everyone's gone; I'll still be here.




For you.

Dear diary,

Today I’ve convinced myself it’s ok to give up. Don’t take risks. Stick with the status quo, no drama, now is just, not the time. But my reasons aren’t reasons, they’re excuses. All I’m doing is hiding from the truth, and the truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment, that the world is going to come crashing down and I don’t know if I can survive that.

My very first love story

Finally..

I decided to end this chapter.

Its no longer me, alone writing this story. I've ended it. I've decided to stop hoping and waiting. I've decided to stop being sad for you.

You know what? You're really free now.
I've never hated you or whatsoever, really. And I really hope you may see this someday..
Just want to let you know, you've been a really good boyfriend for the past 15months together. Doting on me, respecting me as your girlfriend and my family, making time out for me... So much many more.. You know... we could have done better... but well.. this was just as good enough to leave in my heart as memories. You know, you've taught me so many things and I really appreciate it a lot... A lot..

I never planned on moving on, not to even say I wanted to move on. But I guess, I'm getting a clearer picture of how things should not work out this way.

And goodbye.