There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head. And you can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. You memorized their laugh, their smile, and their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you and you don’t want to let go even though you know it’s just an illusion. Everytime your phone rings, you smile because it’s them that’s calling. Everytime you hear their name, your heart beats 100 times faster and sometimes, you can’t even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh, but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. All you want is to go back in time. not to the time that you first met, to the time that you were known as nothing, but strangers. But no matter what, you’re in denial. You hide your feeling so no one would know. You put on a fake smile and don’t let a single tear break through. You’re so used to hiding your feelings that you don’t even realize the pain you’re causing for yourself. Your thoughts become invisible. It’s still there, but no one knows. Like a love letter you didn’t show. And you’re hurting no one but yourself.

You're not the bad guy, I'm just the stubborn one

You asked me if he was worth it, if this was worth it. I said, the thing is, the happiness that I feel when I’m with him is unlike any happiness I have ever experienced. But the sadness that consumes me during the long periods when the happiness is gone is unlike any sadness I’ve ever had too. It is bottomless and makes me feel hopeless and sad. And I can’t decide which one is more affecting. Can I live without the happiness?
Can I live with that sadness?

Don't be afraid to step back,

I'll always be here to support you, you'll never be alone.


To think we were once a sweet and lovely couple, despite all the quarrels and obstacles we've fought to eventually build such a strong and steady relationship. It wasn't easy.
To go through all these seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years spent together, be it, fighting, having cold wars, sweet moments.... You know, just looking back to think all these have ever happened upon me and you made me smile so much. And this smile was so much of a happy one, one that's filled with happiness..

You decided to stop fighting for me, to stop putting in effort in this relationship when we're on our 15months..
You know baby, if you managed to endure, to hang on, we'd be on our way to our 19months..

But its good that you made it clear to me what you wanted. To stop everything for once and all. Let it be then, 15 months is just as beautiful... As beautiful as how you looked when you handed me the first bouquet of flowers I ever received in my entire life. You complete me.

You're not there, to share the joy in me

,again.


But, I love you my Babyboy.

Have thrust in me

'But, when all else fails and your world comes tumbling down, always remember you still have someone that will always be there for you and loves you unconditionally.'

Just remember this, I told you once, I wrote in my blog once.
I'm here for you. And will always be.

I love you deeply.
Have thrust in me. I need time for myself now. Meanwhile, keep your faith in me, just another 2 months. Hang on boy, I'm hanging on too.


When 99% of things do not work out your way, hold on to that 1% it will. I will be holding on..

I can no longer tell whether this smile is genuine

All along, I knew I'm fighting against a losing battle.
I know, no matter how long I'd wait, or how much effort I ever put in showing you how much you meant to me, will never help.
I knew even if I gave up my world for you, nothing is gonna change. Everything is gonna stay stale. Its going to be like this, for the rest of our life - you're going to lead a life of your own, and so do I, unwillingly.


I love you so much my Babyboy. Not being able to see your face, and step into your life makes me even sadder.

Seeing everything you gave me, falling apart; breaks me even more. Perhaps this is an act of God, telling me how should I give up on you. And how meaningless this relationship shall stay.
We're just like the necklace that you gave it to me.
You're the diamond pendant - shining brightly and you're supposed to lit up the necklace to make it even more beautiful, more mesmerizing..
And me - the chain. I'm the chain and you're supposed to be hung on me. You're supposed to make this whole necklace perfect, make it shine.
But just like reality, you're there to make everything beautiful and perfect. Till one day, you decided to leave. To leave the chain, to make this term 'necklace' broken. It shouldn't be called a necklace anymore, since its only left with a chain.

Like I said, you're the diamond pendant and I'm the chain. Its totally meaningless for a person to wear just a chain without a pendant. Its totally ridiculous. It always takes 2 hands to clap. And it applies to our relationship as well.
I'm the chain, still hoping that the diamond pendant would be found one day. Though the possibility is very low, I'm still holding on to you, and wearing the chain. Its hung on my neck everyday, and I never ever allowed myself or anyone to take it off.
For I believe, one day... you'll just come to your senses and realize - I'm still here for you, and loving you.

My fridays,

weren't supposed to be spent like this.


My fridays, I'll devote them all to you.

If things were different.

The first person I'd tell to my results would be you. Do you know how happy I was yesterday? When I returned to my seat and picked my phone up, I just stared blankly into the contact list.... Then, I knew - things have changed.

Hey there, I'm not using 'First love' as an excuse to not get over this guy.
I'm not using 'he's the only guy I've ever been in a relationship with for so long'.
No, I'm not.

Let me tell you what, time can never measure love. It doesn't mean how long we've been together, determines how much time I'll use to get over him. Yes, I know time is precious. But, whoever out there could say this easily. "Stop wasting your time on him."
I know, but, its always easier said than done, right? Don't you agree?
I've been trying, trying to get over him; yet on the other hand - I'm trying to get him back.

I know everyone's gonna throw me a million reason, from on how bad he've treated me, till how undeserving he is to have a girl like me.
I know. You all care. But, seriously who's to say who deserves me more?


*


I've been busy everyday, with my schoolwork, coursework, preparations for O's.
Sometimes, I genuinely hope you're there for me. Like how I was - there for you, last year. Yknow, I don't wanna have a fair share of what I gave you - you must give it back to me. Because I know this world is unfair. And you're selfish, baby.
But, I never blamed you for that. I just hate, whenever you apologised for hurting me. You know what? Don't be sorry baby, just be there for me - was all I ever asked for. Seriously, am I so hard to please?
I know, this 'unable-to-let-go-relationship' is getting worse. And I know, you're feeling worn out and exhausted by me. I know so many things, and I know how you and your friends are looking upon me as a extremely thick skinned and lowdown girl.
You know, just sometimes its so hard to leave me hanging on by the edge, yet to worsen it by leaving a few splinters to prickle on me.. Its just so hard, and the only reason that I'm refusing to budge and still hanging on here is because, I genuinely love you.
How could you ever doubt that?

Really, baby.
I admit I'm weak. I admit.

You're killing me so much. I can't help it, but I'm crying here again

Take us back to 2008

where we first met, first talked, first laughed together, first shared a drink, first shared a seat. I'll never forget all these. I mean, why wouid I even want to forget? You're the best damn thing that ever happened on me.

Overjoyed.

Officially 3 months. 3 months.

Cherry is a year old now, finally. You told me you love Cherry, so you're giving Cherry to me, with your favourite name 'Cherry'. I took good care of her, I love Cherry a lot too.

I hug her to sleep every night, I tell her stories, I remind her when's her birthday and how happy I am to see her turn a year old.

People must be thinking, Ohmy, this girl is crazy. Fancy talking to a bear and even treat her bear like her children?! She's mad.

But, its alright. No one would ever understand.

Last year, 14Aug 2009, I baked cookies for you for our half a year anniversary. It took me a long time to form the cookies into the shape I wanted. I formed heart shaped cookies using my fingers and hands, it wasn't easy at all. The dough were all soft and sticky. But I just kept trying and trying. Till I made out the perfect heart shaped cookies. It was nice, very nice.

The next day, I wrapped it in a nice wrapping plastic with heart shapes prints all over and went over to your house.

I was shy, I kept the cookies in my bag, refusing to show it to you with the fear of you'd say the cookies ugly. So you kept bugging me for the cookies, I took it out, gave it to you. I un-wrapped the plastic, I fed you the cookies on your bed. You said it was tasty, not too sweet - just nice. Then I was already very happy and took out a small card that I made for you. It was so small, like a greeting card. Written in gold ink, white background with a 2 stickmans on it - 1 was you, 1 was me. And 2 other smaller stickmans next to it, it represents our children, 1 boy, 1 girl.

You read it and smiled then walked towards the table to reach for your wallet. You put the card in your wallet, and I asked why. You said by keeping it in your wallet, you could take it out and read anytime you want to. I was happy, really happy.

Then you walked towards the table again and carried a box over to the bed and passed it to me, asked me to open it. I opened it, I saw a white furry teddy bear sitting in the box, with a yellow slip of A4 size paper beneath it. It was the teddy's bear birth certificate.

On the birth certificate, it indicated the bear's mass, birth date, length, eye colour, and lastly by the person who bought it. It wrote - stuffed with hugs by Bi.

My tears welled up the moment I saw everything you did. I was touched, deeply touched. I hugged you tightly and said thanks baby.

I was so happy and crying at the same time, it was tears of joy.

Together, we ate the cookies and spent our day simply this way....

Yesterday, 14 Aug 2010. I was without you. No text messages, no phonecalls - nothing. Everything have changed so much within a year.

But I still love you, and you'll always be my baby.

Words you said,

staggers deep in my heart.

Humans are selfish

Love is selfish.

I want to be selfish, I tried being selfish.
I failed.


After all, I realised what I really wanted was for you to be happy. It seems like my happiness don't mean anything to myself anymore. I don't know why I'm thinking this way either..

I really want you to be happy, baby. I know you love freedom. Its tiring and hurting for you to get tied down by me for 15months.... I can hear you, you love me too.. But, you love yourself more.. You wanted to enjoy, to have the carefree life back with your friends.
I know you're torn between being single and being in a relationship with me. I know you're stressed and confused. I know exactly how you're feeling.
You just have to make that decision - me or yourself.

Eventually, 3 months ago, you made up your mind. You wanted freedom. Yes, you got it now. Fly,fly, fly like a bird. Go as high as you can. And when you land back in your cage, find me next to you. I'll be there.


I love you, just be happy. (:

What does this even show now? I'm sorry. I feel like crap, I can't draw well. I did this for you, painstakingly.

You lied and said it was in the bin, but I later found out, it was actually still well-kept on your table. Tell me what should I do now?

You told me so many white lies. I know you do feel hurt when you lost me, I know.

Give me a chance, to be yours again alright? I know you do not want us to be this way either.

I became very speechless.

I know people are fake, including me and you. Honestly, we're all wearing a mask. We all lie to get away. We all pretend to be happy, to be okay. When we're really not. We're just not real. Who're we?

Its terrifying. You've been shunning yourself away from me, I know that. I can feel it, I'm a girl. I'm sensitive. I feel really broken baby. Now, you're just another stranger.. Come, please come step into my life again. Please..

Forgive me for my weakness, but I don't know why its so hard to live without you.

Why everything seemed so different now?

I didn't expect we'll have to go through these days. It's so hard.
I know it's hard for you too, but you're just strong enough to just put up a mask on yourself, but I can't. I'm facing the fact truthfully now, and it's so hard to handle these. Don't lie to yourself anymore, I know you don't want us to be like this as well. Am I still the only one hanging on to this, or are you still holding on to it as well just that you don't want to let me know? I tried to talk to you, but you've been ignoring me more than i expected. You weren't like this in the past, no matter what, you'll always talk things out with me.

But this time round, you're just putting everything aside. I know you're just putting on an act, but why do you have to do these? Come'on boy, wake up from this nightmare and talk to me properly, please? I don't want things to just stop halfway here, at least let me know that you're fine without me, at least let me know that you don't need me anymore. Everything needs a conclusion. Don't end us just like that, you know yourself that you don't bear to let it go as well. You know yourself very well that you still care. Just try to remember how we started and how we tried our best to go through everything. It's been so long I'm without you, but I'm still holding on, and i will hold on. I can't possibly just end us as a part of my memories book. I need something out of us. I miss you. And you know you miss me too. I'm breaking down, I'm losing myself, but why can't you be there for me, when I really need you now.
Wake up, please?

And I saw you online on MSN

You wrote 'boring' there. I wished to talk to you, so your boredom would go away. But I doubt you'd ever want me to talk to you..


I miss those days.
I miss you. I still miss you. Not the painful ache-y kind of miss. It is more of the I-miss-those-random-and-happy-conversation-days-with-you.
We will never have that again.

I was late for school today

I jumped right out my bed when I saw the time was 7.30am. As quickly as I could, I got myself prepared and left the house with my bag hung over those shrugged shoulders of mine..

Journey to school wasn't long, let's say a 2 bus stop distance? But many things just ran through my mind within the short distance. Which made me wonder now, why the human mind could work so fast?

Things went like that, bad as usual. Perhaps it was worse this time round.
I thought about what I did last night before going to bed - my Algebra worksheet. Yes, that was it! I spent 1 hour on it and hoping I could finish it by 1 am before I could tuck myself in bed.
It wasn't actually.
I was disrupted by a message before I could finish the worksheet. But that message did not come by itself, it was rather, a reply from Z.

That hurtful message that showed how he looked upon me as - A girl that constantly tells people on Facebook and blog about how bad her ex boyfriend was.
I was wondering, when did I ever say bad things about him? And why did he see me as this type of person? Why?! My heart flutters, my eyes became watery again. It was time for a big break down. I rushed to my bathroom, I couldn't even control my emotions. I cried and my heart sank to its deepest when I laid on the bathroom tiles. It was so cold, in the dark and rainy night..
I couldn't get an answer, on why he's so cruel? Wasn't he?!
Yes, I admit. I do write things about him, but don't he realize what I wrote were all good and happy memories about us? Don't he even notice that I do not go around and tell people how fucking bad he is? I did not. I just knew, when I write about us. I'm writing to remember, not to hate or whatsoever negative stuffs.
I do not bear grudge against him, much less to say I hate him. But why, why? Why do he think of me as a low down girl that goes around smearing his name?
I looked back at all my past archives.. Just what did I do wrong? Where did it went wrong?

I just didn't know. And, just let me thank you for teaching me this hurtful lesson. I'm done with this. I couldn't imagine nor believe this is how you look upon me. Thank you, my love.

You're a nice guy, a really nice guy. But maybe, you, or maybe we; humans just can't stand people like me. I'm too sentimental, I'm being unable to let go of the old..
I told you, we are different. I can't be like you. I can't say to stop loving you, then I will stop. I can't. Really. This damage that I've caused is too much for me to bear. Perhaps like I said, the only regret I ever made, was; loving you too much. Too much that I finally realize I do not even love myself a single bit. Where I do not feel sad for myself, where I look in the mirror and saw how pathetic and ugly I was, yet I do not care.
We are different. You love yourself, thats good. Just don't be like me.

-

And this just caused me to be estranged in nightmares..

Reality snapped. Here I am, back in the bus; journey to school. I got down the bus, knowing I was already far later than being late.
Stepped in school and was being sent to General Office right away. As I walked, I removed my
necklace in order not to be caught by the Discipline Mistress.

And tragedy strucked. I removed the chain, and the pendant was lost. This was it! I thought in my mind. I got in the General Office and told them I need to find my belonging urgently. I dashed out, I walked at the path I took just minutes ago for upteen times. Never, never, I never had the chance to see that sparkling heart-shaped pendant with a diamond in the center, that he gave me it to me; last Christmas.

I just realize how it feels to have your world tumbling down on you for more than 1 time.. I couldn't cry, I just sat down on the canteen floor with my legs crossed towards each other. I was helpless. So helpless..
I went up class. I laugh with my classmates. I cried, I cried again. I just keep crying..
You just wouldn't understand the feeling of losing something you once, cherished so much.
Z left me, now my necklace too. Thanks so much. You call this fate? Bullshit. I don't believe in fate.

And hey look what? My Mom's yelling at me across my room corridor as I type this.
Thanks for scolding me right now. Mummy, as you came home, you did not wonder why I was looking so upset. Or maybe, you're just used to seeing my face like that. You just walked past my room and gave me an earful. Thank you for that. For scolding me at my lowest point. For scolding me for being weak crying over you scolding me.
But, reasons? You don't know how much blows I dealt with.
And I won't tell you. Fine? In your mind, I'm just that playful and lazy. Thank you Mummy and Daddy for scolding me, really. When I really need someone who can hug me tight and say 'Baby, its all gonna be fine.'


If you saw me smiling and laughing really hard tomorrow or the day after, would you still believe I'm fine?

And I'm tired

of feeling this way..

My morning started off pretty pleasant. I was awakened by the cold wind that kept hitting against my skin. I got up my bed and smiled to myself pretty widely and told my sister Hey I dreamt of Zhangchao again!
And as a sister, she couldn't say much. Just smiled and said, Aiya, you again. Dream will always be a dream.
Sad but true, the reality is always broken and hurting. I made my way to the bathroom to have my teeth brushed and face washed. I sticked my tongue out, it was swelling due to the piercing.. The swell hurts, but it still couldn't be compared to the pain in my heart.


Me and my sister, then made our way to the coffeeshop nearby my maternal grandmum's house to meet my parents and, grandmum for breakfast..
I did not talk much during the meal, I just kept quiet. I did not have the mood as the weather was cold and I did not want my parents to find out about my tongue piercing. So I just kept stuffing food into my mouth, till it was full and wouldn't be visible when I speak..

After the meal, we headed off to buy some fruits. And there, we passed by a coffeeshop which reminds me of Z.
It happened last year, around December. It was a rainy morning as well, and Z just had a bad hangover over at his friend's house. They chilled out till 8 in the morning and headed to have breakfast at the coffeeshop. Z then knew, I was about to leave house for work and requested me to join them for breakfast as he really wanted to see me. I did, as its been a week since we last met. So, I saw him and his groups of friends..

Z was pretty much wasted but, he could still recognize me and was trying his best to be sober.
I ordered a bowl of duck porridge for him to keep his stomach warm in that cold weather. We shared the bowl of duck porridge. I never liked duck nor tasted duck. But I think, that was the most delicious porridge I've ever had. I don't know why, but everything else seems perfect. Just perfect, the perfect portion of porridge, the perfect type of weather and the perfect warmness of the porridge that kept our hearts warm. Just 1 mouth and another mouth.. I could see his friends looking at us, ain't in any awkward manner. But perhaps, with envy. They're envying us. I could feel it, it wasn't anymore cold. It became warm, everything around us warmed us..
The bowl of duck porridge was soon emptied by us. And Z told his friends that he had to leave first as I am late for work and Z wanted to send me to the MRT..

We made our way there. To the bus stop, in the bus. He was still feeling quite tired and dizzy after the night but when there's a seat available, he'd without hesitating leave the seat for me. I rejected and insisted on him seating. But he wouldn't listen. We reached the Interchange soon, and Z kissed me on the lips, twice, before letting me enter the gutter. I tapped my card, I got in. As I turned back, I could still see him looking all worried and his face that showed guilt about not sending me to City Hall instead. Unwillingly, he left after seeing me walking further ahead.
I got up the train and I saw him on the overhead bridge walking towards his bus stop. He couldn't see me but I could. It was so obvious as he was the only man standing there.

Then, my phone vibrated. It was a message from him. Asking me to take good care of myself and apologized again, for not being able to send me to City Hall. And ending off the message with, I may pick you tonight, love you! How heartwarming, wasn't it?
And all these that happened were true, it wasn't some cheesy stories that I made up. It was true and everything felt like yesterday. I'm not lying.

I love Zhangchao, and this is 1 fact that you couldn't change..

Had pasta for dinner

@ Pastamania.

As I sat there, memories just crashes into my mind. That particular, that particular type of pasta you love, that particular flavor..

I miss everything. I miss those days.

That you'd pick me up right after school, not just outside my school gate. But perhaps, some distance away. The bus stop behind my school, that seat where you lay your buttocks on. That kind of expression you gave, when you saw me.
Held my hands, and asking how was my day in school. You had to attend school as well, but just for seeing me and having lunch, you skipped it. By then, I knew how important I was, and how much I meant to you.

You'd walk me home, send me to my house doorstep. Sometimes, even staying back a little while more to see me completing my homework, joining my family for dinner. You'd accompany me watching my favourite cable TV channels.

I'd send you down to the bus stop, then you head home by yourself. I'd be well taken care of by you. I'd be so loved by you. You know?

I never thought happiness was short-lived. People say, cherish the times spent with your loved one...
And I did, you did; we did. But what did we get in the end? I mean, what did I get? Nothing, just 3 words - let's break up.
How you assured me that you'd never give up on this relationship that easy, how you said you'll think over days before saying. How you ever fucking told me - this would never happen.
And now? Guess what? Its close to 3 months, my heart is still open, but to you only.

Baby remember, once you came over to my workplace to pick me home. And we saw this couple, quarrelling or perhaps they're fighting rather fiercely. I was afraid by their shouting and the cursing.
I asked you, how could they have ever loved each other, when now they're quarrelling so bad?
And you said, love is love. But don't worry, it'd never happen to us and I'll never let it happen.
Yes, you marked your words. We did not quarrel like them, nor fight. You just left me silently.. I couldn't even tell you anything.....where I've so many things to say to you...