Here I am,

laying on my bed, with Cherry beside me.

I was happy today with the class performance we put up (:
And was happy to meet out with 2 of my primary schoolmates that turned out to be taller than me so much more.
I was happy to clear 2 hours of detention.
I was happy eating 2 sets of MacDonald's meals today.
I was happy...

Till I heard news about you again, just some words to describe you..
My eyes went watery again, its sparkling with those tears that welled up in my eyes.
I thought I was truly over you, but like now, when I hear news about you, I get extremely affected.
Just few moments ago, I could write it out on my wall "Thought twice, being single is the best."
And here I am now, after hearing news about you from other's mouth. You could see me, hiding in my room now, trying to hide away from everything, everyone. How much I want to be back with you, but I couldn't let it be known.

I've made my word - to get over you. I couldn't go back against it, how could I let my friends and families down? I couldn't. So here I am now, a girl whom was once so happy about her day, went just crying as silent as she could be.

I could imagine how awkward it'd be for us to bump into each other in the streets one day.
And I could imagine how hard it'd be for me to keep my hands to myself. In order to prevent myself from pulling you back and put myself in your arms.

I'll control. I'll smile. I'll laugh. I'll do shopping. I'll pretend everything's fine. Is that okay?

I wonder why.

Why am I still standing all alone here, when you were supposed to be by my side?


Can't you see, you were supposed to be standing beside me, equally.
Didn't we promised to grow old together? Didn't we say to do so many things together in the
future? Didn't we think of so much about our future jobs, marriage, children, houses?

These weren't all my wishful thoughts. These were all the empty promises and words you gave and left behind for me. For me to complete it on my own.
But baby, I'm telling you I couldn't do it. I ain't as strong as you imagined me to be, I'm collapsing, I'm breaking, I'm dying. Yet, you are so firm on leaving. You do not even bother to look back, to reminisce or to even think about me..

While me, still stucked right here, believing that you'll fulfill your words and promises, waiting for you to turn back and at least look at me, for the very last time. To relive everything, I don't expect us to return to our original state, I just want us to be back together again, as a couple - a pair.
But I guess, you're turning in the corner and never having a chance to look back anymore.
And I'll never live to the day where our hearts beat as one again, anymore.



Could you hear my heart shattering?
You used to be all broken when I was upset, yet now. I'm already heartbroken, but you do not care, at a single all.

I wished that my dreams about you, were real

I had a dream about you last night.
It was so unbelievable, and it was as though my wishes came true.
But reality snaps back when I awoke.
How I wish, you will stop being a dream, and become a reality.


The moment I woke up, I felt so cold and empty, perhaps its because of the weather. But I guess it also involves to waking up in this cold harsh world where people do not care. Much less, you do not care as well.
So how do you expect me to be happy like before, when you do not give a fucking shit to me, at all?

-
All these while, I've never regretted not cherishing you or treasuring the times spent together. Because in these 15months, I've done all that I could and I cherished you, placed you in the first priority all the while. Doesn't this 'first priority' sound so familiar? I used to whine and complain how I placed you in the first priority and be more than willing to drop everything in hand just to make you happy in the past archives.

Till now, you still remains as my first priority. I am loving you just as much as the day before, perhaps even more.

I thought by loving you, treating you good and do all the wonderful stuffs that no girl would ever do would make you stay a little longer. But no, the moment you realized I loved you more than you do. I was defeated, I lost. You decided to allow the pain run through my mind and heart. You decided to leave me alone, in the dark and rain.

Anyone being treated like this, would definitely fucking hate this boyfriend. But for me, that wasn't the case. I tried putting myself in your shoes, I tried finding reasons to redeem you from being so wrong. I tried all way to convince myself that you have your difficulties. I tried being understanding, and that wasn't easy baby.
For someone like me - being so emotional and weak mentally, I wasn't totally prepared for this heartbreaking war that tore my heart into pieces. I wasn't. While you, have already won this war, you defeated me. And you were, no doubts, pretty pleasant with this ending.
While I was still lying in the battlefield, as though a sword pierced through my heart.
Whether to pull the sword out or leave the sword in my heart? - I don't know, both hurts equally much and much more without your presence.


While you, still mingling around with your friends. Disregarding the girl here, longing for your return.

Hello baby, have you forgotten all about me?

I think of you everyday, every single second you're in my mind.

Many think you're unworthy of my love. But I think otherwise, how could you be unworthy when there's nobody I could ever be so willing to love? Even when you pushed me away, hurled those nasty and hurtful stuffs to me.

Look back, I'll always be here for you.

I think you've really caused a huge and a rather permanent impact on me.
And I hate this. I'd like to be a happy girl too, don't I?
I hate typing out how I feel, because everything I type showed sadness, disappointment, heartbreaks.

I want to be a happy girl, I want to stop being so sad, stop blinking my tears back. Stop crying whenever people mention about your name. Stop thinking and missing you so badly. Because you do not care.
Even if I were to slit my wrist and die, you'd only feel remorseful, not at all sad for the loss of a loved one.

I think I was wrong in the first place for trusting you so much, too much that I got myself nothing but only disappointments..

Knowing that when I'm crying so badly over you, you're just out there enjoying just as much as other bastards.
You see now baby, you've taught me a lesson - to not trust that easily, to not love that much and to not treasure every moment spent together.

I cherished everything too much. Cherry, necklaces, our rings, letters, texts, photos, songs, promises, time, your smell, your shirt, your silly faces.


Its better if you don't know that - you're the author for my sadness and disappointment.

My love

So my first kiss was lost to you.
And I never want anyone else other than you to kiss, or touch me.

People always say, I deserve the best.
But I wouldn't want, if the best isn't you.

I'll not grow tired of loving you, even if one day we won't get back together anymore. People ask why am I doing this, but this is just so unexplainable.
Love wasn't supposed to mean so much to me, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore.
You mean more to me, if you're happier like this; then I'll just look at you from faraway.
Nothing, but just looking at you and, loving you.
I just want you to be happy. Its good to see you happy after hearing what I said to you yesterday. Its a complete lie.
I told you I was doing fine and am going to forget about you, that I'll find myself a better guy.
Its all a lie, I'm typing all out here because I know you wouldn't read and then my lie would not be exposed.


I think I'm getting better at pretending. Pretending I'm fine, pretending I'm not loving. So much for pretending, in front of you. I'm sorry baby, but I did not want to lie, I just want you to be happy like this. Its all worthwhile.

The truth about girls:

We love Ben and jerry’s more than you do.
We must go to the bathroom in groups.
We have this thing called feelings; don’t hurt them.
There`s no point in having an ex if you can’t be a bitch to him.
We don’t wake up looking pretty. It takes time and effort.
We need girls nights out.
We hold grudges and we never forget the things you say to hurt us.
It doesn’t matter who dumped who or why. Whenever we see an ex with another girl, it always bothers us.. not because we’re not over you, but because we know we used to be that girl.
No guy wants to marry a whore. Well, no girl wants to marry a manwhore either.
Never ever ask a girl what she weighs, or imply anything about her weight. Just don’t do it.
Our eyes are located in our heads. Not our chest or butt. So when you’re not looking into our eyes, we know.

We act like we’re cold so you’ll hold us.
Gossip isn’t a sin, it’s an art.
The word “bitch” doesn’t mean much to us.
When we say we’re fine, we’re usually not.
Most of us fall in love way too easily.
We’re never too old for sleepovers.
All of us have a mean side, some of us just don’t show it.
We’re confusing, and you’ll never have us completely figured out.
Most of us like attention.
All of us like to hear that we’re beautiful.
Most of us love cuddling.
No matter how many times we say we don’t care, we usually do.
We’ll mess with your head.
If we say that nothing’s wrong, something usually is.
And just when you think you have us figured out,
something will change and you’ll be all wrong.

I love and hate Wednesdays...

Because I have tuition on Wednesdays and my baby would pick me up and have dinner with me..
We used to be so unbreakable. Or maybe it isn't. I hope everything would be better in time..

2 months isn't long enough for me to get over you completely.. I love you so much, my dear boy.
Did you forget all about me?
1 year, 2 years, 3 years. So on and so forth..
I'll never forget about you, and you'll always stay in my heart.



No doubts, you have changed. But I think its a lucky chance for me to love a changed person. (:

Hey baby. I love you more than the wideness of the skies.

I'm not being stubborn, I'm not being weak, I'm not being unable to accept the fact.
I just, want to, stay here and love you.

Though it hurts like some motherfuckers.
I don't hate you for not holding true to your words and promises.
I don't blame you for hurting me. I love you, even everything you did destroyed me.
I still loves you.
You see this now?
Is this clear enough?
I hope you're reading this now...

If only I had the heart to leave, I'd be in the arms of other guys.. No, I'm not bragging. But I'm willing to spend the rest of my life loving you.



From the girl who was once yours, and will always be yours.

My emotions are fickled

Sometimes I think a human heart is just a simple shelf. There's only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces.
And whats on my shelf are love, friendships, families, studies and many other trivial matters. These trivial things just adds up to a huge weight and make my heart sink deeper.

There's so much I could do, so much I could ever take. I don't know how do I look like infront of you guys. Do I look strong? Or weak? Or I'm just average?
I don't know and I wouldn't want to know.
Being strong is good, but I'm a girl I'd like to be weak at times too.
Weak? I'm just another emo kid sitting at the corridoor and cry. I hate that.
As for average, I wouldn't want to be that either.

What people always tell me is to move on, stop mentioning about him. But how could I? Have I not tried harder? Have I not tried to live without him? Have I?

I asked myself so many times.

And I'm so scared. Nothing else but feeling scared. I'm so afraid of this emptiness and silence.
Could you please say something, anything would do. Could you just kill me or whatever. Bring me to somewhere where I don't feel this thing called 'pain' anymore.
As I injure myself, I laugh. My injuries don't hurt as much as my heart do. Its that funny, no weapons, no guns or knives. Just words. And words do not have the power to hurt me, its him - the one who means a lot to me.
How much is a lot? I don't know, but its definately more and beyond all I could ever have and saw..

Its funny, so funny. A break up and fell out of love are 2 different things. But it all comes with the same thing - love.

I just had a cold bath, crying to myself while typing all these out. How am I going to go school tomorrow? I hate putting on an act. I hate to lie. I hate feeling this way.

Happy 21st, Ethan!

Yes, its his 21st birthday celebration yesterday located at Downtown East Block K!
I arrived there alone at around 6pm in the evening...

Ok, let's start in the morning. I woke up at 11plus due to my friend's phonecall and she date me to go along Town for shopping with her.Without hesitation I prepared and met her at Orchard. I bought nothing ):
Left Town around 5 and headed to DTE! There was a bazaar set up by Ngee Ann Poly students. And I did an express manicure in nude shade at a super unreasonable price. 3bucks!!!

Then..... I went down to block K for his birthday chalet!!!

Singing of birthday songs.. We did not use 2 big candles and 1 small candle for the cake. We used 21 small candles and placed it far away from one another!

Happy 21st!

Make a wish.... Well, I do not have a picture of him blowing the candles because he only took a breath to blow it all off ):

Then it was torturing of birthday's boy time! (inserts many evil grins)

BEFORE

Everyone "sponsored" a scoop of cake..

THEN........

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Are you ready?

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Ratings: NC 16. Many gorre scenes..

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Ok, just kidding.

HERE YOU GO.

SMASHED

AFTER.

Eveyone was pleasantly pleased with the after results! HAHAHA

Basically I think the party was a success and I think many enjoyed it a lot, especially the lovebirds(my sis & birthday boy)

At first me and my sister felt awkward because all Ethan's friends were guys!!!

And we thought we had not topics to talk about. But I was wrong, so fucking wrong...

After my parents left at 11pm, my sister and me stayed behind and started our jokes!

We intended to leave at 1am.. But the jokes and laughters all held us back..

Some of the guys fell and were asleep in the room while a handful including Ethan, my sis, me and 4 other guys were left outside talking till 7am in the morning.

You did not hear me wrong, its 7am in the morning! I was very happy because it was my first night out tonning! :D

A virgin experience for both my sister and me. We came home and I slept till 5 in the evening while my sister woke up at 2.30 in the afternoon....

I enjoyed myself a lot..... (((((((((((:

I hope I did not screw my body clock :\

I haven't been in the best of moods lately

Because menses cramps are killing me and my mood do get affected.


Should I be blamed for not persevering till the end? I should have continued holding on, even if he doesn't want it back anymore because this proves that I'd still have a chance, right?



Rather than now, I hate the present & fact as they are literally killing me.

I hope I had more reasons to make him stay, I hope I never stopped contacting him. I hope he would never even mention this 'break up' to me.

This is done, I'm tired of pretending I'm fine and being happy. Be prepared to see the real me.

Its called 'break up' because its broken. However, I wished we were never broken.


Every word above describes my feeling now..

Longest slide in Sg

Singapore made a legend, the longest slide in the whole country @ T3!

Caught the blood pledge. Ratings 2.5/5
Its past midnight now and I'm so going to Ethan's bbq chalet lateron...

Toooodles.

Using my desktop now :B

And I just browsed through the pictures.. And saw a folder named "Baby and me".
I realized we did take pictures together, but it was so few.. Just a handful, less than five perhaps? But they were all taken at beautiful places like the Singapore Flyers'. I remembered we celebrated our 10th month up there too. How sweet is that?

Today, when in school, I was asked to remove my necklace.. All along I was holding it tightly in my hands. But when I opened my palm, I realised the necklace was gone. I panicked. How could that be? Someone whom I loved a lot, the last and only thing he left for me... I gotta find it back! That was what running through my mind.. Eventually I found it, it was on the floor..
I love this necklace and am still wearing it till now. Not because I love diamonds, not because I'm greedy.
Its funny, it reminds me of his expression and look when he first passed this necklace to me. It was my christmas present from him which he purchased at Citigems. I never fancied diamonds nor those jewellery crap. But for this, I liked it a lot..
Back then, you told me though the carat was small, but you'll buy for me bigger carats next christmas.. I don't look forward to having bigger carats. Its cliche, but I only liked when you told me next christmas.. Which means we'll last till there.
But now, where are we? We're stucked halfway. You lost me.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm so broken even till now. Where were our rings? I don't even know where were those promises and words anymore! I trusted you so much.. But why shits just happens to me? Why?

I never stopped loving you.

I just quit showing it.

Been busy day and night. All day long. But I never stop thinking about you. Even in my dreams, sweet or nightmare, you're always there.
But, in reality, when I need you, you aren't there.

I hope you could see how hard I try to avoid seeing and talking to you. I've been trying my best to suppress all my thoughts and wishful thinkings of talking to you. Because I know, even if we do talk, if we do see each other again; it wouldn't be the same anymore. And I know you well, I know, you'll feel miserable.
But, again, I don't know you that well. Why did you choose to end things this way? I really don't know, and I can't understand you - it fears me.

It completely scares me to realize that the one whom I once understands so well would..


Congratulations, its another 13th today. We're officially apart for 2 months after being together for 15 months. This 2 months I've led a life of hell.
Not in physical though. Physically I shopped my days off.. I bought things I like, I spent money on things I love. I do things that I enjoy.
But emotionally, I'm breaking. I break, I broke. I'm broken. And the worst is, being unable to repair it anymore. The damage is done.
I've been living in hell, suffering all the loneliness. Seeing sweet couples in the streets is akin to the hot burning flames in hell.. I'm dying. Or I wished I was dead.


I'm amused by how my friends around me think I'm completely over you and thought I'm ready for a new relationship. But, baby, I'm telling you - I'm not over you yet.

Today is the 13th, tomorrow would be the 14th. If I ever could gave you enough reasons to stay, it would be our 17months tomorrow. And all I can say would be, I'm the luckiest girl on earth. But sadly, its only an 'if'.

I'm revealing where I went today!
So yup, as I said last week 2 guys approached me & my sister to do the Singtel grid girls for F1 race. And few days ago, they gave us a call and we were selected for the audition which is held today at Somerset! We were up at Singtel's main office..
It wasn't difficult to spot as there were many pretty and hot babes walking towards the same direction to Singtel! So, even before we reached there I felt like crying already..

We even had photoshoots and filming! I think its gonna be released in Channel 5 or Youtube someday. You may see my fucked up face.
By the way there was this incident where the girls and I were asked to take photographs together. Then, I was infront somehow bending my body down. So the photographer asked me not to bend so low, just stand up and lean slightly forward..
So, I did as asked.
AND I BLOCKED THE 4 OTHER GIRLS AT THE BACK ROW. fml -.-
The photographer did not noticed my height + my 4 inch heels.
So I swapped positions with a shorter girl.

Next was the Audition. Practically its held in a theatre and we have to go in 1 by 1 on the stage to talk and introduce ourselves in the mic to the other 4 judges sitting below the stage.
It was by alphabetical order. So my sister was the first girl to get in!!! She was damn nervous. But before she went in, we had filming again. We were practising and when its time for a real one, my sister suddenly disappeared!!! HAHA, mad funny.

And I was a few girls after my sis's. I was nervous too! My hands turned cold and I could hear my heart beating so loudly! I went in, up the stage and introduced myself to the judges.. I talked for quite long. And they even asked me to show a pose of me holding the F1 flag -.-

So, basically everything was quite smooth and running fast. We left after my turn and went shopping at FEP! Bought a top and a pair of stocking! Heheheheheeeeee.

Left FEP and headed to Great World for dinner with family.
I was tired and totally worned out by my 4 inch heels. I even had a fall today, thanks to my sister! Hmph.

MY POOR LITTLE LEGS!

Its East View's first Eat-Breakfast Programme today! Our class ordered Mac breakfast excluding me & Jessie ): I brought omelette from home! Freshly cooked.
And by the way I am regretting now, because no one told us that Mac breakfast are gonna be paid using class funds!
Now, all our class funds are spent on just breakfast. And for the class fund which I had paid punctually every month last year are used up now by all those greedy little pigs!

Well, skipped D&T and remedial..

Headed to collect my cheque and banked it in. Shopping was next! I spent over hundreds today. But I'm very happy with what I bought (:
As I could never ever get enough for crop tops, I got 2 pieces for myself today!!!!!
And a handful of accessoriesssssssssss. I love it, totally man!

And here am I at home.. Gonna apply mask before I tuck myself in as I need to be in top form tomorrow!! I'll reveal where I'm gonna go. (some of you should know!)

And before I go, today Jessie & me witnessed an accident in the train! A little boy's hand got caught in between the train doors at Bugis! And you know, Bugis Station is indoor, so there'll be 2 doors, and his hands somehow caught in there! Everyone was screaming.....
Yes, I witnessed 2 accidents in 2 days...

BYEBYE.

All along,

I guess my only regret is that i couldn’t give you enough reasons to stay.


Last night, after tuition I was on my way home.
And you came into my mind, I don't know how did that happen. As I tried all ways to stop thinking about you.
Bus 65, that bus sure do bring back lots of memories..
I recall the time where you lay your arms around my waist, and leaving a peck on my cheek.
How sweet, and we used to listen to the same song through a earpiece in your ipod. The song 'Never leave you' and you'll sing in my ears.. I'm still loving you like it was the first time.. Ohohhhhh. I'll never leave ya.



Its another Friday tomorrow, time passed so quickly. 2 months, close to 2 months since you've left me. I'm getting quite used to being alone now.
I'm quite used to not hearing your voice anymore.
I'm quite used to not seeing your face. I guess, this is the outcome you wanted..

But then every morning I wake up and realize, I love you more than the day before.



Nearly on the edge of tears, I'm such a baby.

Check yes juliet

It was you and me, our favourite song.

Forgive me

for loving you too much, I’ll forgive you for not loving me enough.
Forgive me for the loud racing of my heart, I’ll forgive you for not hearing it. Forgive me for finding you amazing, I’ll forgive you for never noticing. Forgive me for wanting to be with you more than anything, I’ll forgive you for avoiding me. Forgive me for being so pathetic, I’ll forgive you for taking advantage of it. Forgive me for not being able to let go, I’ll forgive you for never holding on

I'm dead beat

Reason being, I was out the whole day with Junior and Z.

Yes, still feel kinda weird whenever I see him. My heart breaks to see you.

We had lunch at JusAcia and went off cycling at Pasir Ris park..
The hightlight of today's outing was that






I fell on my stomach and face flat in the sand.
And continued lying in the sand for the next 1 minute and seeing all the little childrens looking at me with this O.O look.

No joke, my pants turned from grey to brown because of the dirty sand, and my elbows, knees and stomach were all painful ):




Pasir Ris Park, out favourite hangout place in the past. Today, when we cycled past the stone chair where we usually sit at, I feel a moment of sadness. My heart ached.. The sea breeze blew past our face, it was so strong.. I want to be in your arms, so the sadness and loneliness would go away.. But I know, it wasn't what would happen at that time..
I just love to rekindle at the past, at least, it makes me happier.

Me and you

We were like a clock.
We are perfectly fitting, perfect compatibility.

You are the hour hand, I am the minute hand.
But we each moved on, one quicker than the other.

We have not forgotten each other, but just merely want to explore.




But we'll always have another chance at love.

You'll never understand why I hurt so much

because you're not the one who is crying,
you're not the one who is left behind,
you're not the one who loved too much,
and you're not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone...

Blue ribbons

Yesterday, TGIF!

I have a very bad habit which was, if I'm unhappy I'd go out alone. So yesterday I ditched D&T aside and went out alone....



While today, an abrupt outing with my sister!

The theme of my outfit today was 'Retro'.
So I paired my checkered cropped top with my high waisted pants and my 'pong' hair and am ready to go!
Many eyes were glancing at me of course, I don't know why.
And we hitted town and was approached by 2 guys to do the F1 race as an Singtel Grid Girls!!!!
Well, most probably I wouldn't be doing it even if I'm selected because Prelims are round the corner!

Went home empty handed and still... many pair of eyes staring at me ):




I looked a little funny here because I was taking a very deep and big breath in and my sister snapped it ):

My current hair length..

And once O's are over, I'm getting my hair dyed to red. Yes, you didn't hear me wrong. I WANT TO BE A RED HEAD.

So much has changed

I loved someone a lot, and one day I woke up and I realized what moving on really is. There’s such a big difference between getting over something and getting through it. I got through with it all, but if he came up to me and told me that he sincerely loved me, I wouldn’t resist that. It’s funny how things work out right? You think you’ll be best friend with someone forever and one day you’re just not anymore. All I know for sure is that when you love someone, I mean truly love someone, whether it’s a friend or a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, you never stop loving them. Think about it. I’ve moved on, yes, but a part of me will always belong to him. I will always have that part of me that loves him.

I used to look forward to Fridays

Sometimes we spend time asking who is responsible or who to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. We miss out some warmth in human relationship in giving each other support. After all, shouldn't forgiving someone we love be the easiest thing in the world to do? Treasure what you have. Don't multiply pain, anguish and suffering by holding on to forgiveness.

This is my answer to your question - why don't you hate me at all?

I abhor the gap between us

I can't describe how bad it feels to feel a barrier away from you. We're world apart. And for how much love brought us together to, we're getting away from it. So far away from how we used to be. And this hurts, this is one feeling that hurt so much. And I don't like it this way. I seriously don't.


I don’t want you to be a permanent part of my life, since the only thing that I get from you is what? Pain, rejection and other words similar and in the same wavelength with those words. Why?