I'm dying to get out of the house now. But my phone's dead, so drop the idea.

Finished chinese paper. It was easy, but again I wrote out of point for paper one. Yes, damn me. Might considering re-taking the paper, depend on my results though :\

Bought a pair of wedge on saturday night. And my sister bought a similar wedge as mine on sunday afternoon, but her's cheaper!!!!!!
Okay, I'm beginning to love shopping for footwear. I'm afraid I might buy too much and end up like my sis.

Oh btw, I went M'sia on Friday with family(excluding my sis bcos she go pak-toh) and we met up with a small accident there. Dad's so heartbroken that his car, barely a month old was crashed.

Heeeheeehawwww.

I know I'm a little late, but Iphone or bbb would be a better choice?
Omnia II is giving me headache, though I really love this phone of mine a lot.

ARGH. I've many to say, but when I'm here I become speechless.

Miss Tan asked my parents to send me to school tmrw because she's afraid I would be late for exam. So Mom would be sending me to school. YAY.

Till here now, more tmrw. Bye!

Love is selfish

I really have qualms on agreeing to this statement - love is selfish.

Isn't it? Why?
I used to be so independent, I can stand on my own feet, I wander around the streets alone. I don't need you. But you came into my life. I accepted you. I accepted the life of having 2 person instead of 1. I adapt to changes very quickly.
But you are so selfish. When you're ready to love, you love. When you're not, you just withdraw all your love from me. Why?

Have you ever thought of me? I'm a human, I run, I walk, I cry, I laugh. I act like any other normal human being. I'm just like you, I've got no special powers to make me free from all pain.
When I needed a listening ear the most, you left me. You should know, you're the closest to me and I share every little thing with you. I gossip, share secrets, love you. You're more than a boyfriend to me. I thought my heart would really be safe with you. But I was wrong, so wrong.

You're selfish. I need you, but you still left me. This year is so much of an important year for me. I'm taking the national examination. Last year, when you took your O' levels, its me, your girlfriend. Me, I'm the one studying together with you, teaching you formats for Social studies. Waking up early just to have breakfast with you and accompany you to school to have examinations. I was always there for you, wasn't I? I've always been there, your pillar of support. And when your results were out, I seemed more worried than anyone else. Everytime you're sad, I try my best to act like a clown to make you happy. Again, I was always there for you, wasn't I?

But now, my turn. My important year, my future, my happiness all depend on the result I'm getting this year. My first paper starts the day after tomorrow. I'm feeling tensed up, I wanna have Macdonald breakfast with you, I need some encouragement from you, I need your concern, but you left me. I've got no one now. I can't depend on anyone. You're selfish. You chose to leave me and hurt me so deeply on this so fucking important year.

I've always been there for you, but have you?
You're selfish. Your love for me is selfish. I hope I could be half as selfish as you..

But then again, when people say bad things about you. I'm bound to get angry and defend for you. Why? I ask myself why again.

You’ve taught me and showed me many things. You’ve taught me I can love, that people can care about me. Or so I thought….you showed me the feeling of being in someone’s arms when they mean the world to you. The feeling of compassion. So many wonderful things. Thank you for that. You’ve also showed me that people break promises, that people don’t always hold true to their word. You’ve taught me that you can love someone more than anything in the world, yet hate them just as much. That just because someone says something, that doesn’t mean it’s true. You’ve showed me how bad it hurts to have the guy you love and thought loved you push you away and treat you as if you are worthless. You’ve showed me wonderful things just as well as horrible things. I do thank you for both.

So this message was saved in my phone's draft for days. Thinking if I should send it to you. I just sent it to you, and my phone went blank. FML.

Hello people I'm so heartbroken still. I do miss my ex boyfriend Z.

He's really so determined on ending this relationship. I must stop thinking about him anymore..

I wrote this in my fb:

Won't deny that in all the years that I've lived, I've spent one most wonderful & fulfilling year and a couple of months together with you. But again, I'm sure I would get a better one to spend my life with for the rest of the years I'm left with.

And Z went to like that post. Sigh, time to forget man..
Its still better if we remain as friends, like yesterday we managed to act like friends. You managed to, so did I.

Very thankful to my family, they have been giving in to me all these while since my break up with Z. Everyone knows how bad I feel and have been trying to do everything they can to make me happy. Cooking my favourite food etc.. And I've been a bad girl, I've been throwing tantrums. I feel guilty though. Sigh.
Even my poor results, they did not give me an earful for that. Just a few advices on how I should concentrate more on studies..
FAMILY = Father And Mother I Love You. And I really do (:

Thanks for standing by me through the hard times..

And its time for me to get my body toned up for my birthday party (i do not want to look bloated), though I've lost 2kgs after breaking up with Z.
Funny huh, when I first met him I lost weight. Then now when I lost him, I lost weight still. HAHAHHA. Getting in love and breaking up is the best tool for losing weight.


Sigh, my phone isn't working still.

Extremely busy with coaching these few days.. Studying like mad, preparing myself for O level next monday!!!!
Its next monday people! And I'll finally have the taste of how it feels like to take a national exam.
Heheheeeeeee.
Met up with Z today and he borrowed me his chinese dictionary. Mad thick!
Thanks friend. *winks
Well shall fix a date with him soon as he still owe me a meal, urgh! Hahahah, its kinda ironic that we could still be friends despite all that have happened 2 weeks ago. Its all the begging, cursing, crying that made me today. Thanks a lot still. Fret not, I'll bring junior to you someday!

And Daddy's going to my school to collect report book tomorrow.. Glad that he took a day off from work to settle all my stuffs. In the afternoon he have to make payment for my birthday party food caterer & to collect my report book. And good luck people!!!! Those who're going to my birthday party, its on a beach deck instead of a pool deck!! Cool. I prefer the beach one, its more chilly ~



And Daddy was great, he mass sent an email to all my family members and his friends to my birthday party!

Dear all,

See you on 5th June 2010 at Changi Beach Club for my youngest daughter, Jia Ying "DoNut" sweet 16th Birthday.
There will be poolside BBQ awaits you between 6-10pm. Do dip in for a swim as well.

Come early as parking within the premise is on first-come first-serve basis, but no worry as parking is still available by the side road.

Pls see attached for more info..... (menu attached)


Pardon me, I refused to screenshot it as it was a hassle, so I used copy and paste. Hope you get a better idea on whats' gonna happen on my birthday. Winks*

Perplexed

I'm turning 16 next month, I wonder why must I go through so much in life when now I'm barely sixteen. Why?
Why must everything around me feels so surreal. Whats like to be real? Ask yourself that question too.
It's so crappy to know that everything and all your effort went down the drain just because of one person's word. Its how disgusted to feel being kept in the dark for so many days. Its fucking guilty for me to hate someone whom I've always respect.

It will be very unbecoming of me to list out everything I've gone through. Its so tough, so painful. Just one thing - I'm not being myself these few days.
So many issues and blows I've to deal with this month. I fucking hate May. I swear upon my words.

----------------------------

And..
My dear boy, I know you'll read this.
Why are you always so mindful of what people say? Ditch their words, follow your mind. I told you, I'm at the falling edge of the cliff, you either pull me up and let me live with you or push me down and watch me die to end all my pain while hanging on the cliff. I believe everybody deserves a second chance, that's why I'm giving you another chance. You said you'll take it. But on the other hand, you'll not. You don't want to hurt me again. I'm afraid of getting hurt too, but why am I seeking my own death by giving you another chance?
I'm afraid of getting hurt, really.. Who doesn't?
But being in a relationship with you and bearing fruits was what I've always believed. Since I'm not afraid and I believe in us, why not take another step out? Why?


People must be thinking why am I so silly for letting him have another chance to hurt me, but, when you're in my shoes; then you'll understand. And you really will.

I really wanna thank you for leaving my life,

because that have made me stronger. (no hidden sarcasm)

This was 3 weeks ago.. Why?

With money you can buy a house, but not a home.
With money you can buy a clock, but not time.
With money you can buy a bed, but not sleep.
With money you can buy a book, but not knowledge.
With money you can buy a doctor, but not good health.
With money you can buy a position, but not respect.
With money you can buy a blood, but not life.
With money you can buy a sex, but not love.

Fuck, why what money can do is equally as much as what money can't get?

Still feeling lost without you, I really hope time would get the better of me. So far, its the sixth day already..

My household have changed the washing powder to Z's. I used to like this scent a lot because it gives me a sense of security. I reminds me when I first hugged Z and the scent of his clothes rushed into my nose. So nice..so good. But now, I hate this smell a lot.

I really really do.

If you weren't ready for a relationship, you should have told me a year ago. Not, after 1 year plus then you tell me you're not ready.

Gonna hate the journey to tuition. Cause I have to pass by your house which reminds me everything about you & the memories. FML.

Broken, but still..

Alright, I'm back after a long day. I feel busy today! ):

School wasn't that fantastic alright, it started out cold and then warm.
Only thing that cheered me up was that I got a B for my English P2! Hope P1 won't pull me down urgh!
And all the subject that I failed was at E8! No longer F9! At least I improved a grade, ^^
Okay, but there are still rooms for improvement.

Busy day. Thankfully, the rest of my days this week would be packed with alot of events! HAHAHHAH. Damn happy, no need to fret on what to do to keep myself busy. ^^

And the half of my day was spent emo-ing again. I know I should not do that, its bad. But..normal to feel sad still right? ):

Starting, no matter how much the guy tells you how much he loves you and how much he's afraid of leaving you or you leaving him. How much he want this relationship to be the last he ever had, and how much he wanted to marry you - its all a lie, ladies.
Don't be that stupid fool to trust every single word your lover said. Love is blind, love is stupid.
After everything, when he don't love you anymore, there's nothing you could do in persuading/convincing/forcing him to get back to the relationship you all once ever had.
Just one word is enough to break your heart or tear both of you apart - just one word is enough to replace all the time you both had ever spent together, its enough to replace the memories, the love, the everything you both once had. I will bear in mind, I'll be wary of guys from now on. They're the most dangerous creatures and their words are the most powerful weapon to break.your.heart.
Mine is broken now, it takes time to heal. I still miss him alot, but after thinking what I had did for him, I smiled to myself. Everything I did, is enough. Enough.

From now on, I won't be that little woman of yours. I won't be there to wipe your mouth or sweat when they're dirty or wet. I won't be waking up at 5am to cook you porridge when you're sick and send it to your house. I won't be worrying about you having your meal yet or not. I won't be worried about your safety when you're out at night. I won't be there for you anymore even when your world tumbles down. I'll be selfish.
Everything I did for you, is enough. I tell myself now to treat myself a thousand, millionth times better than they way I treat you.

Don't be sad anyway. This is your choice, your decision to let go of me and this relationship. Perhaps right from the start I was wrong, I misinterpreted you. You only said you wanted a long term relationship. Yes, long relationship but not a real love. All the while you wanted was not what you had. Now I finally understood.
Hope when you're all ready for a real love, you'll totally devote yourself on the girl you love. Not forsaking her because of your friends, not ignoring her calls and messages when she's worried about you. Not assuring her with messages that you don't really mean it.
You should care about her, love her more than she do. That's what a girl truly deserves - to be loved. I wasn't loved by you, all the while, maybe.
All the best. My no longer Baby, and my current ex boyfriend.

Its time for me to move on.

Alright, I've been cracking my brain on what should I write on this post..

Today its my fourth day single. Finally, I'm back to single hood after a year. Never expected it to end so abruptly.. Heheeee. I still find it awkward to be single, awkward that I've no commitment to make anymore, awkward that I've not been wearing the ring he gave me which I wore it for a year plus. Awkward that I've not been smiling more often, awkward that so many people are asking me to cheer up. So many awkwardness arousing! Hahaha

After all these, its my parents that are here to stand by me always. They've told me many things which I think its meaningful. Last night, my Dad had a talk with me. He told me many things from a viewpoint of a man.
He's right, since Z already have no intention of wanting to treasure this relationship, I can't force my way into him accepting me again. I can't, even if I managed to do so, he'll still find another opportunity to break up with me, and maybe by that time I may have fall even deeper and when I want to withdraw my love for him it would be even harder.

And Ethan is right also, everything I do, every way he react did absolute NIL to our relationship. Its bringing us nowhere. So I've made my stand to give everything up.
Its time for me to love myself and have time for myself. I shouldn't be always thinking for him.
Like what Dad have told me, its going to be a very painful journey for me. Its going to take days, weeks, months or even years for me to get over with this completely. But, as long as I try I can do it. I must put in effort to stop my mind from thinking about the past.
Yes, so what he did this, did that? Now everything is over! I should look forward and carry on with my life. I can't be a weakling and give up the rest of the battle just because I lost one. I can't give up so easily!

Now, I'm going to pick myself up from this broken road, whats past have already past and its over. Its not going to happen again.

And all thanks to everyones' advices that woke myself up from the 4 days ago of me. Seriously, 4 days ago I must be crazy! Like what the hell I'm doing to go beg a guy?!! Gosh, I was really out of my mind. But thankfully, its not too late now.
AT LEAST, I managed to make our relationship to have a beautiful ending. Its going to be so different from how people normally end their relationship using the cliche sentence 'hope you find someone better than me'. Mine is absolutely unique and classic! Hahah, I'm so not going to share!
Glad that we had a sweet start and a beautiful ending. But the memories are still the most wonderful one (: Thanks so much Z.

We'll still keep in contact with each other and remain as friends!

Although when I suddenly get up in the middle of the night, I still feel the emptiness in my heart, but I believe I'll get over this soon. And someone or something may help to fill up the emptiness in my heart.
I'm afraid to love anymore, but I'll still try. Try to love and try to find someone who deserves my love and cherishes me more than I do and love me more than I do. And so to find my Mr right. Its how sad and worrying to know that your first love had actually ended up as a failure, so miserably.

Are you guys satisfied with my post?

Well, yes there's zero point in me holding him back now. But for even in that zero point, I'll still find a minimum less than a point to have a reason to hold on.

Maybe I'm just plain stubborn or unwilling to accept the fucking fact that he already have no intention to stay on. I'm silly I know. Everything that is ridiculous/unacceptable for a girl to do - I did it. I just want to keep trying although I know the results will not vary very much..

I'm sad, I can't accept. I feel like dying. I know many people hate Zc now, but we can't entirely blame him for treating me like this. This is human nature - change. Human change, so we can't blame them. Its like blaming a celebrity who changes hairstyle each and every time. Maybe..
So, don't blame him ok? He's a good guy still.. For someone he really love, he'll really really really treat that person x10000000000 good. I used to be that person he really loved and got treated x100000000000000 good. But, now I'm not anymore...

Can anyone fucking feel the way I feel now?

I've got no idea what to do next. I mean, like I'm already all broken I can't even handle myself properly. I really feel like dying..

I don't know whats' wrong with love, its so scary.. Really, really. You have to trust every word that I type out here. You know love makes you feel so wonderful yet it is the best weapon to cripple your heart. I've never been so hurt like this before.
And the way he look at me now is totally different from the past. I know I should stop living in the past. But how could I fucking not when its one of my best years spent in my entire life?!
Ok, maybe I need time. Yes, thats what he needs to. I persuaded him to not give up so easily, the verdict is still not out yet. But I already know whats the answer in his heart.

And my life have been so horrible. I hate staying at home now. I dread whenever Kakak asks about Zhangchao, yesterday she even messaged him to ask why he did not come to our house for so long. Sigh. And my grandmum, the most observant of all - she noticed I was sad ):
I know, I can't hide my feelings well. But this time I tried my best to cover up every part of my face that showed unhappiness.

I can't even eat well or sleep well. Like I said, I often get awake during sleep and start thinking if everything was meant to be. Last night, I sat up and kept looking at my phone, I wanted so badly to receive your message, yet I'm afraid the content of your message would hurt me. The sky was red, lightning kept flashing, it seemed like the world was going to end.

I hope whenever you eat Auntie Anne's pretzel, you'll remember me.

This card which I spent the whole fucking morning doing for our 15 months is in the bin now. I really don't know what's wrong with you, why are you so heartless? You didn't even look at it, you just dump it. You know, I'm never good at art, but this time I tried my best to draw a nice one for you, but you just dump it away without looking at it.

I'm tired of feeling so rejected and so lonely. I still couldn't believe this is Zhangchao. Really, Zhangchao won't do this to me, he'll keep everything I did for him on his shelf.

Jessie, remember you once asked me what would I do if one day Zhangchao broke up with me? I answered back at you, this would never happen one right? Then, I gave you another answer, I said if one day he really leave me, I'll go down on my knees to beg him and stay. And I really did. I know this is some thing that no girl should ever do, but I don't mind really. I don't care how people judge me but just don't judge the guy I love. I really love him.

And its because I loved him so much, he took me for granted. I don't know what more to say, I just wonder..will it break your heart to see me suffering like this? Or even just a little crack?

Sometimes, I just want to cry softly, quietly. I don't want anyone to know. But in the end, I ended up crying like a Baby. Hiccuping away. I really can't. I can't handle things now..

My Dad have been asking me to work on my guest-list.. Now, I'm wondering should I include you?

Its how depressing a Friday spent without you is. Today is the 14th.
I guess this number is not significant to you anymore right? I just wonder how ruthless/heartless you can be. Just 1 week. 1 fucking week is all it takes to change you.

Yesterday I seemed so helpess. You sent me messages asking me to let go of you. So damn heartless. I cried but I didn't want my family to know, I got out of the house. I called you but you didn't answer.. At that time, I thought of nothing but just wanting to see your face. I took a cab to your house, the journey seems long. Longer than usual. Traffic wasn't congested. I ran up to your house, saw you sitting infront of your laptop. I hid behind your gate, tried calling you. I saw the way you rejected my call. I felt so broken, I don't wanna step in anymore.
But I still did. Although that talk between us that lasted 2hours did not help in any way.

I'm really so sad. The very first time you hurt me so bad.. The damage is so bad...till I can't breathe. I don't want it to be this way. I tried all means to pull you back, I forced you I begged you. I did everything. I let my dignity and pride down. I was so thick skinned to have hug a man who don't even love me and pushed me away. I held your hands so tight, but you, somehow you wanna get free away from it. I was so tired, so exhausted.

And I often get awake from sleep in the night thinking about you. I saw cherry, the bear you gave me. I hugged her tight. That was the only thing I could use to substitute you. I wanna hug you so badly, see you so much. I'm so sad that everything I did, did not help. I really feel like dying.. Why would you choose to hurt someone who love you so much? Why baby? Am I dreaming?

WHY?

I even said the messages you sent were not you. Because zhangchao won't hurt me like you did. He won't. Zhangchao won't...the one I knew won't..

You broke me.

I ran as fast as I could, stepped on a puddle of dirty water yet I did not care I just kept running.
Yet my efforts were not paid off. I begged like shit, pleaded you. I got nothing in the end but just a broken heart.
Yes, I'm sad. But, you're sad too.
My heart broke when you did nothing and allow me to walk off just like that. I feel like taking a knife and stab deep into my heart as it was hurting like hell.
Up the bus cried like a bitch.

Till now, I can't cry anymore. My heart just hurts so much.

You addressed me by my name now, not Bebe anymore.
Love had torn us apart.

Today, 13 May 2010. It's the end of examinations, just as I thought I could finally let my hair down and enjoy with you. Everything turned ugly.

My relationship status: Single or In a relationship. I don't even know which one do I fall in. But after you sent me the first message of yours for the day. I am getting a better picture of where I should be.

Thanks alot during these 1year relationship. There's so much of ups and downs we've been through. Remember how we spent a month apart from each other during last year's june?

Remember how you used to pick me up from school and walk me home with a packet of Dutch lady strawberry milk in hand? I still remembered, we walked instead of taking a bus because I wanted to spend more time together with you even in such a hot weather, you're still willing to do so.

Remember exactly 15months ago, 13 Feb 2009. You brought me to a Ben & Jerry outlet and I was whining all the while about how expensive Ben&Jerry ice cream were..

Just, 15minutes ago I had a walk in the vicinity of my house. I calmed myself down, stopped myself from crying. I looked at the path we always took. It was a long and narrow route. It wasn't bumpy. Then I started to realise how much and how many times we've walked on this route. We never noticed how narrow that path was, we just walked. But today, I saw it was sucha long route ahead. In the past, we managed to finish the route together. But today, I forced myself to walk to the end of the path alone. I knew I can't always expect you to be always by my side.

Before all these have even took place, I even planned on how our Friday outing should be. It seemed perfect and I thought my plans would be well in place. But, today everything ruined.
I have nothing much to say, I can't even wish you our happy 15months together tomorrow. And we can't even spend it together..

I didn't expect you to end our relationship like this so easily. You said you need some time to think it over, I'll give you then. But you told me, you don't know how long it'll take.. So what should I do? Keep on waiting?

My blog is now well-known for being an emo blog. But well, if you know me in real, I'm so much of a cheerful and outgoing girl. But.. there'll also be times where I get upset and cry..this will be the place for me to spill my feelings. I can't talk to my family, I don't want them to get worried about me. Friends? Do I have any?

I can't handle this emptiness.. I can't.

Its okay if you hurt me. Its okay, just don't avoid me. Don't.

I ended everything in my own hands.

Everyone around me, after listening to our stories. They'll give me comments saying you're tired of this relationship, you don't appreciate or even worse, your love have faded.
But I always deny, pushing all the blame to myself.
I'd say because I'm irritating. Because I always cling onto you. I'd say its because you're busy..

But we all know the truth. Including me, although I always refuse to face the fact. But now, its time for me to brace up and face it.
Everything shows, even people around us can see it.

I admit now, okay. I admit.

Ignore me. I'm sad I will make you sad. We will hurt and leave each other - and then you will forget me. I become too attached to people too easily. People like you. It's already happened, but I don't want to ask too much from you. I don't want to ruin all the fun you are having. I'll just leave now. I'll go away so you can enjoy yourself.


I don't wanna see you anymore, though I miss you.

In my dreams, and in my sleep.
in the shower, or watching the tele.
you're constantly running through my thoughts.

i think i need a distraction.

Well, yesterday afternoon I went out with Bf, we quarrelled and he yelled back at me. But it was my fault, I threw tantrums at him first. Sigh..

Juicy Couture bag! I love Juicy items..

And then after that I went over to this Water Edge Cafe located at some Yatch club with my Dad's side to celebrate Mothers' Day for my Grandmom in advance, as usual. Last year, we had a big group picnic at Pasir ris park, everyone contributed food. Some brought spaghettis, some brought sandwhiches. But this year was great, we get to enjoy the sea breeze and breath taking sceneries..

Pictures aren't doing justice to the place!!

Daddy and me. I apologise for the blurry pictures!

Butter fingers, I dropped 2 knives while eating my whole baby chicken

Its a nice place, you get to see aeroplanes taking off as well. My second time dining at this place, food wasn't fantastic but the place is awesome!

Today we went out and everyone was starving while Dad was searching for Chalet for my birthday.. We settled breakfast at JustAcia. Then continued hunting for chalet. As my birthday falls on not just the peak but the super-peak period(school holiday), almost all the chalet in Pasir ris was fully booked. I wanted Aloha Loyang but sadly it was extremely booked.

So Daddy asked me to get Coasta Sands Resort, as it was the only one that still have room for Chalet. But it was kinda run-down so I rejected. Continued hunting for Chalet, finally we got one at Changi! Its kinda nice. And I'm very satisfied. Its gonna be a blast this year for my birthday! Its either a pool-side party or a beach-side party. WOW.

And we'll be staying there 3D2N. Awesome place, and Dad have enquired with the caterer.. Well, since its a private club, we can't bring foods in so we can only cater from the restraunt. Its damn expensive lorrrrrrr. My parents gonna be broke after my sweet 16th. I think the whole celebration would cost them up to 1k. ): By the way its held on 5-7 June. Not on the actual day as my birthday falls on a weekday and not much people would be able to turn up, so yup we decided on a weekend! Gonna love this year alotttttttt. I've not worked out on my guests-list! AHHHHH.

Another hole.

I am back at last. Spend half a day with my bf and another half with family..

I have nothing much to elaborate now, maybe tomorrow.

Sigh, Mummy asked if your busy schedule have affected our relationship. I lied and said no, because I didn't want her to worry about me. But the fact was, it really did affect our relationship. And the problem was not because of your busy schedule..

We are beginning to drift apart from each other, and my heart hurts alot. Why?
We used to have a lot to talk to. Now whenever we're in the bus or we're just on the streets walking, we just keep silent. I tried talking, but it felt as though we're world apart.
Why? I keep asking myself why. What happened throughout all these?

Today I really feel like stepping out of you again, I was so hurt it was so painful and torturous. But my heart, yes once again its my heart taking control. My heart resisted, I really love you wholeheartedly from the bottom of my heart.
Please imagine, from the start till now. My feelings for you gradually grew, you became a part of me that I wouldn't do without you. I really wonder why sometimes you put me in such a difficult spot when all I did was loving you, I've done nothing to hurt you. Why? Was it wrong to shower all the love I had on you? Now I forgot to love myself, to care for myself. I always put you in front of everything else that is important. That is why, this is happening to us now.
I really hope, this is just another ordeal. I wish I could hang on..I don't wish to give up on us.

Stop claiming the world you're living in is called 'your' own world. Its 'our' world, never ever its 'yours'. Ever since I gave up singlehood, the world we live in is called 'ours'. Its either us or ours. No you or me. Please. Stop giving me hurtful comments on how you regard our relationship as. I'm trying to put in all that I can, please..Don't force me to give up...

Come to think about it, you're the first guy I've ever loved so much. You're the first guy I accepted as my boyfriend, you're the first guy I went out with to the malls, the first that I caught a movie with, the first that I held hands with, the first I experienced how a kiss feels like. So many little and major things.
You're the first guy I ever celebrated my birthday with, the first guy who wouldn't mind spending money on me. The very first guy who stepped into my house and met my parents. You're the first one who sat on the Singapore flyers with me, the first who accompanied me for job interview, the first who would pick me up and send me home after work. The first guy that carried me, piggy back me. The first guy I shared a drink with, first that fed me with food. The first guy that sent me flowers. The first guy I baked a cake for.. The first guy that made me a bear stuffed with lots of love..

You're my first, and I wished you would be the last.
Although I'm not your first, but I am the first girlfriend you had that lasted till this long. I don't believe in the time we spent together, but the love we shared. Love couldn't be measured, so I don't mind. I really hope, of all your past girlfriends. I'm one that have the most memories with you. Yes, we don't have photos together, but just as you recall, your mind would be like our photo album containing happy and sad memories.
I hope I could be your last too.

Exactly a year ago, today was the day I initiated a broke up with my bf for the very first time..
By that time, we're only at our 3rd month, everything was smooth sailing.. But I initiated a broke up because my Mom had found out about our relationship and she don't approve to it..
But in the end I disobeyed my Mom. So we ended up together again, till today..


How irony relationships could be..
Well, I'm starving..
Will blog more tonight when I reach home! :D

How it feels to have barely 4 hours of sleep for the past 24hours!

Yeah, SA is driving me crazy. This is the first time I ever studied so hard for examinations.
But.. I think I'll study even harder for O's, thats definately!

Chemistry Paper was difficult, I couldn't handle all the questions and I really feel like tearing up the paper!!! Damn it.

Tomorrow would be History. Teacher only briefly gave us the sub-topic. Like, how are we going to study like that?! Causes of WW2 in Europe & Asia Pacific, Consequences, Offset.. So on and so forth..
ZZZZZZZZ. Kinda regret being a history student >: But I really need to do well in History if not my SS would be pulled down. I'm confident that I'll do well for SS.

OKAY, I am going to study till 2am and wake up at 5am in the morning to make sure everything gets in my mind!
Not going out with Bf tomorrow, gonna replenish the hours I missed on my bed. *biting blanket*

AND... I only had a meal today - dinner. And for that, I ate 4 bowls of rice....

How can anyone be afraid of love?

How can they not? When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt you - you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling - like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?

I got breathless.

In the past, you never allowed me to cry. You never allowed me to be left all alone, I wasn't supposed to be sad, I wasn't. Really. Your job was to make me happy, to be the happiest girl in the world.

But now, I'm tired of crying, tired of being sad. I'm tired of you and tired of loving you so much.

Who said love is all about giving and not about how much you're going to receive? Have you ever know how it feels to be this way?
Have you? In fact, I have..
I'm so tired of loving someone who don't even cares about my life or death.

I'm tired of being so reliant on you. Really, I am.
In fact, I don't feel like seeing your face or hearing your voice anymore. It creeps me.

If ever, one day our relationship were to end. I wouldn't regret, because I know I have did my part. I did all that I could, I gave all that I can give. But, you never appreciate.

Yes, I do.

Was having a war with Baby. Yes, we went on a war. But after we met, talked things out, our war ceased peacefully.
And his fingers were going through my hair so perfectly..

And then it stucked. Yes, my hair was entangled at the ends so it was stucked. How upset ): it screwed the whole atmosphere!
And I'm gonna settle Friday by myself cause Baby will be having extended lessons. GRRRRZ

Anyway its the killer paper tomorrow, Math Paper 1. Yes, I admit and I guess everyone who knows me well should know that I sucked at mathematics! Sigh, I really hate maths but I just have to do well and keep practising to get the hang of it!

Today on the way to school, I started thinking..
Education really brings one far, you can go abroad and study. You'll even have a chance to set up your own business!
Like education is our future. What you see now in your result slip is what determines your future.
Without education, next time you'll only have a pea sum of money a month even if you're slogging really hard.
If you are observant enough, some who are playing really hard now, yes they are enjoying. But in time to come, they'll suffer.
And those who are studying and working hard now will soon get to enjoy some good life. Or should I say luxury life?
Anyway, the bottom line is that education is important. One could never live without in the outside world. Be realistic, work hard now! Just add in a little of hard work and patience. Your hard work would be paid off eventually. God is fair.



Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. It’s after a long fight, that drains the life and bones out of both of you, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. It’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’ve unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another person’s hands and said, “Here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat, or forget I ever handed it to you."

If love is blind, I would have overlooked your flaws.

Right now, typing these I should be feeling so much better compared to yesterday.
Yeah, sometimes the word 'breakup' just comes into my mind.
As in breakup = end of pain.
But, I still don't have the courage to do so.. Like, I'm still loving him but I just can't tolerate the way he treats me, sometimes.
Sigh, he's good in some ways. He never makes me worried about him flirting or hanging out with other girls. Like even when he goes clubbing, I feel secured because I know he isn't that type of person who will dance around or exchange numbers with sluts. That, I'm very sure.

But, he just can't give me the feeling of being loved. Or is this how a year relationship should feel like? As in the love had already died down, not as strong, as passionate as the past? I don't know sometimes..

But today I had a chat with one of my friend.. He kept discouraging me being with my boyfriend. But unknowingly, I somehow defended my boyfriend or maybe I defended our relationship. I told him this "I believe in this world there won't be any relationship without quarrels and changes." Which then, I find it so true..
Some may say I'm contradicting myself.. But, isn't this true? Have you ever been in or came across any relationship that have no quarrelling? Maybe some relationship that lasted for like 2days, that maybe there won't be any quarrels, except for the breakup part?

Well, this is getting me no where.. I should do something about it.

It is damn saddening that the one you love most are actually the one that breaks your heart constantly.

Its been a year and 2 months. We've spent a long time together, 400 over days. I've fought so hard to be with you. I've fought till the end, even with many obstacles in front.
Even myself, I've fought with myself I went against my mind because my heart is taking too much control. Ending up, I got myself hurt.

When I first got to know you, my hair was short and I'm on extensions. Then when we got together, I took out my extensions and my hair was still short. Now a year have past, my hair grew longer, so much longer than before. But just like my hair, we're never like before anymore. Never.


No one understand how I feel deep down, not even you.

I want to be as heartless as you.

At times, a part of me just feel like letting you go. Letting go of the pain, the love, the memories. I don't want to suffer all the time.
We women have the right to choose our happiness - when you feel that the feeling isn't right, you let go. You pursue for the happiness which you rightfully deserve, not the pain.

And then another part of me just live in the past of ours. And it just hurts like hell to let go. I keep holding on even it is hurting me, no matter what.

We did not quarrel, but I'm just sorting out my feelings if he was the right choice.. If he isn't, I don't see the point holding onto this relationship feeling hurt every now and then.


Yesterday I was having my stupid fits and Baby came over to hold my hand.
And then I told him this,
"Even if you want to hold my hands, but I don't want to. Our hands won't be held tightly together. Vice versa."
So I said we both must want to hold each other's hands then our hands would be held tightly together.
And he replied, "hold tight very hot lah." .....