He is the reason

Been piling myself with busy schedules so I would be x10000000 busy and won't have the time to think about how he hurt me.
Today I guess was the worst I ever felt. So lost and insecure, being left out, all alone.
But I was strong enough to handle matters like this, I've toughened myself throughout all that I've gone through.

Anyway this shouldn't be the main concern anymore, because SA1 is coming and I want DAP!
Been staying back in school till evening.. Today I stayed back alone doing DnT, so proud of myself because I was alone, no friends accompanying.
I love myself, yes Baby i will learn to love myself more than I love you.
I will look alright when I feel hurt. I will stop crying my heart out, stop stalking you.
I will stop giving you calls asking your whereabouts.
Stop everything that is too much

But wait people, this isn't the end. By stopping all those I've mentioned above doesn't mean I've already given up on this relationship.
It means, we'll move on.
This is another stage of our relationship, 1 year++ can't expect to be always mushy and sweet.
It is time to mature, give each other own space.
I know, everyone will agree to this!
Good luck, I'll be happy again :D

PS: We're still together, till the end; hands in hands.

Empty promises

Promises?This word serve as nothing to me.

Only fool believe in this.
I am that fool, you let me down.

I forgive you, it meant that I want you in my life

Because of a sweet dream of mine, caused so much pain for myself.
Shouldn't have told you about it, shouldn't have trusted your words.
I take your words seriously, but you don't honour it.
I regret telling you my dream, you said you will fulfil it for me. I shared my joy with others, silly me. I'm gonna be mocked at.
You lifted me so high, and you made me fall hard.

You said you will see how, but what I want was a definite answer from you. Although I sounded like 'It's okay, never mind.'
In fact, I mind. I would wait till the very last second for my hopes to be dashed because I will still bear some hopes in that few seconds hoping you'd prove me wrong.

I hate myself for always bearing so much hopes, too much. I forgot that by doing so it would make myself feel hurt.

Talk is cheap, that is why..
I'll still hope tomorrow you could fulfil my dreams. I'll be waiting till the last second.
Hope you read this before I fall, not after I've fallen.

The French are willing to die for love.

Never ever believe in "I'll text you later OK."

Well, I don't know but my 2 weeks of anti-quarrelling with Baby is great.
But things are starting to take a turn now I suppose? Maybe because I praised him last night(shouldn't have done that, now he's totally ignoring/neglecting me)
THAT IS WHY MY MSN PM SAYS " have bf like no bf" Lol.

If I am not wearing our ring on my right hand fourth finger, I would have long forgotten that I'm attached!

Anyway something happy I should share, I had a sweet dream today morning and I jumped out of my bed excitedly.. Thinking it was real.. But it was a dream not come true lehszxzxz. ):
Hope someone could do something about fulfilling my sweet dreams.


Gonna study hard for MYE, aiming for DPA (:

wtf, again.
I am mugging like crazy for tmrw Matrices test. I can't seem to get the hang of it. fml.
I suck at Math. I am getting lazy, I always put in so much effort yet I still get lousy results.
I am going crazy. MYE, Prelims and O levels are all nearing me.
I've got not much time left.
I feel so disheartened, I lost all hopes again.

You won't know how it feels like to be lacking behind time.
Am I not hardworking enough? Or just plain stupid.

Hello!
My day started off well.
Hmm, guess what? My baby actually mind how I felt last night. Awww. Its been a long time since he took special attention to my feelings.

Yawww. Actually today was supposed to go shopping w sis only, but Mom wanna join in. And Dad also came long! So we drove Mom's newly-repaired car out to Suntec!
Yes, I miss Suntec. I used to go there everyday..
Walked around, bought nothing. Only Dad got his stuffs.
Had Subway Club for dinner! It sucked. Italian B.M.T ftw

Guess Baby enjoying his potato chips that he forgot to msg me?
Ohhhh, give each other some space

Beep beep. Yeah baby's phone went out of battery again, I suppose.
I hate the sound. So I immediately hung up. Oh whatever it is, I learnt to give each other our own space. (:
Just finished some sketches gonna turn in soon and study Matrices tmrw!

I am not sure if this applies to you. But I really hate it when I visit some others blog and they post about how they miss someone..

But now I'm gonna be the same as the some others ):
I went out with him just now, but I still could not get enough. I'm missing him now ):
I don't know why, but is this how it should feel? I don't like the feeling of missing someone.

I feel so unproductive. I should keep myself busy..

Okay, sidetrack now..
Baby told me few days back that it would be better if I could get a private tutor. And it did cross my mind too. Though its a little expensive, it should be worthy to exchange an O level result slip with flying colors?
I don't know what to do! I feel like continuing my group tuition for another few months, but I'm worried by then I decided to get a private tutor, time is up.
Private tuition is good, as I had 2 in primary school and I did really well in PSLE. But would it applies to O's as well??


I did research on the course I wanted, L1R4 15 points.
All e best for me :D

4 studying/working days have passed for everyone!
You know you know when I was working I missed school, now that I am studying I missed work! HAH, humans always desire for what they could not get..

Today school was fun! I really enjoyed school this whole week man! Today English lesson had some debating going on! It was fun to the core of the Earth I swear! Everyone was so enthusiastic that we were willing to sacrifice our recess time ~

Eh, I swear Im gonna study asap. Am working on DnT right now.. Next week gonna handle my mathematics.. I PROMISE.

Games Day tmrw = NO STUDYING
Another friday tmrw = OUTING WITH BABY

My very first love story.

I understand some of the people I know have been asking me about how I know my current boyfriend, how we met etc..
Now I'm going to share it with you guys :D

I always hoped for a fairytale-like falling in love scenario. But everything just started off so cliched, like the usual.
Haha, read on to know about my very first love story.


I knew you on the net, 'Friendster'. You were a shy boy, but you wanted to know me more. I commented you on your profile, but you did not reply. You only sent me a message through friendster asking for my email. I gave it to you, we chatted on msn, then we exchanged number & started texting.We were close text-mates. We knew each other on around October 2008. But only had our very first meet up at Jan 24 2009 , it was a double date with my sister.

Then, if I'm not wrong our next outing was on Feb13 2009. You gave me roses, chocolates, necklace. I didn't manage to finish up your chocolates and I shared with my best friend. I really liked you, but you didn't seem to take any actions.. And I was worried its only a one-sided part of thingy yeah. I was worried you didn't feel the same for me.
However.
A day after our outing, which was actual Valentines' Day you finally popped the question. Without hesitating, I agreed! We became couple since then, till now..

2 weeks after we got together, I gave you a peck on the cheek.
On our 1st month anniversary, I lost my first kiss to you at my block's lift lobby, hurriedly..
Back then, I really didn't know how to handle relationships as it was my very very first time stepping into a relationship.
I'm always scared of holding your hands, or giving you hugs. I'm shy, scared.

I really find it amazing. And I don't know if I did mention before that I actually knew my boyfriend and have seen him around very often around Tampines area since I was in secondary1. He was my best friend's crush. Then, thankfully we got together still. I love you baby. It seems weird to suddenly post up about my love story.
But, I never had a chance to really tell anyone about this.

I totally love school today, except for that I have to serve detention tmrw :O
After school headed home and went out with Baby again! Cause had to take picturez as his Mom wanna see :p
Back at T1 to get his Iphone cover & screen protector! His phone looks totally like a mirror now which resemble a mock off Iphone! Which its the genuine one! HAHAHH. Homed and my boy came to my house and had dinner! But he had to leave early as his friends were all waiting for him! Now he left, & I really am tired and feel like sleeping! But I had to finish all my homework first.

I'm gettin despo!
Bcos my math isn't improvingggggg.

Town with Baby today, got a denim jacket for myself which Baby paid most of it ^^ And he got 2 pants, yeah our day ended quite short.. But I was already happy enough (:

We were able to spend quality time with each other. I really love spending time with you, its awesome! I've nothing much more to say, because its already all expressed on my face :D

And baby reminded me that I'm growing fatter, I should watch my diet already. Cutting down on tidbits & bubbletea is a MUST!
Tmrw school would be starting, and I completed most of my homework assignment already, gonna do a doublecheck later on (:

Baby promised to come my house for dinz tmrw, hope he would be able to carry out his words ^^

I was happy.. Till I read our chatlog over quarrelling at msn..

Anyway, happy birthday.

Baby's birthday tomorrow. And I seemed more excited than anyone else. Why?

Baby left Singapore today morning. Before I could even call him and hear his voice, he left zero message and zero call for me. Was kinda upset, but I expected the outcome.

Yesterday was almost the end of US. It really struck me hard to hear the words coming out from your mouth. Its hurtful to know this is how you look upon me. You'll always be in my first priority, but me?

Today you weren't by my side.
I went up on a bus which was full pax, I had to stand and I almost fell. It hit me hard. I realised you weren't there to hold me preventing my fall.

I read up our past year chatlogs on MSN, I realised how much changes we've made. I realised so much, I wanted to share with you but will you spare me some time of yours?


Tonight, when the clock strikes 12, my handphone will ring a 'Happy Birthday' song just for you, my man.

8.48pm, just received Baby's first msg of the day.
Actually, things became better last night before I slept. But now things gonna screw up again, he's gg Msia' tmrw and would only come back on sat.
Yes, though its only a day but saturday is his birthday yet I can't celebrate it with him, can't help but feel sad.
I was waiting for his msg since I woke up at 11am, 10hours later he brought sucha bad news. Sigh. Can I just leave this all aside, I'm so fucking stressed.

My plannings on Saturday have all screwed up again, always!

I write to express, not to impress

Dear diary,



I am back, feeling none of the better. Instead, broken; bruised on the inside.. Someone please ease the pain I'm feeling right now.

Tell me why can I make so much sacrifices for you? Why did I still allow my heart and myself to feel so helpless and painful time after time? Do I deserve all these?

If time could really stop at the happiest moment in life, with you, perhaps I wouldn't feel this way. But, this ain't a fairytale, this is reality.

These few days, maybe weeks or months, I'm not sure. But I myself know best that you have been neglecting me, you have been changing.. Maybe you have not realised it, but I can no longer take it. 1 or 2 days its fine. But, whole of your holiday this time, I have been suffering all alone. From the end of your O'levels till now, another month in additional to your school start. A total of 5 months.. I'm tired, I need your attention at time, could you just me some? Instead of giving it all to your friends.. I'm your girlfriend, and Baby I've seriously forgotten when was the last time you said you really loved me. Do you? It is very saddening, but its the fact.
You don't even read my blog now, you don't know how I really feel. Yes, I'm happy.
If it makes you feel better, just take it that I'm happy, everyday.
Hope you read this someday,

xoxo

A sinner

Emotionally unstable.
Again, repeatedly you made me upset.. You disappointed me countless of times.

I believe, one with strong emotions could write and express their feelings well.
Here, I will express my emotions fully, right here, right now. If you detest me, please go ahead and laugh, feel happy about what I'm going through now.

Sadness, agony. Is this all you can give me? After countless of waiting, countless of empty promises and countless of heartbreaking. Is these all you can give? Is this what you should give at the first place. Yes, we act like we're very loving. In fact, the truth lies beneath it! We've got so much arguments, misunderstanding which we never gave each other a chance to explain! But now, everything have really gone from bad to worst! How could we salvage it? Like now, what you're doing is right? Going out with your friends, ignoring my messages totally.. You think that is correct? NO! Its all a piece of shit! You don't even know where the problem lies in! Did you try to find out? Did you try to understand? No, you did not. Maybe you think what you're doing now is correct. But, I'm sorry you are wrong. Because you broke my heart - a man should never allow his woman to feel sad, or cry for him.
I didn't expect things to go wayward. Its all beyond our control.
You took me for granted. You took everything for granted.. Its enough now, I could no longer tolerate..

I am sorry, I did not expect I could write things about you like these. You forced me to, you never explained yourself, you always made mejump to conclusion. But now, I just hope for a call from you.. However, you told me to back off. You'd rather me to be left all alone suffering than taking some time out with your friends to explain things to me.
I always hoped for an explanation from you, but you just refused to.

Impulse buyings with the hope of curing a broken heart

Today was a shopping day for me ~ Headed to Bugis with sis. Main intention was to get just a pretty dress. But, ended up with none of a pretty dress but plenty of impulse buyings!
HAHAHH, shopping ended early as Bugis is a bore. Bought Baby a Tshirt over there, quite nice!
And now I'm here all alone, suffering the lonliness ):

When we first got together, his wallpaper of his phone was ME, only ME ok. Then it changed.. It became a picture of US, BOTH OF US.
Then now, totally flopped-flapped-flipped upside down(idk this word exist) His wallpaper became a picture of him and his friend. ):
I'm so happy, always so happy, laughing, talking non-stop. But deep down, I'm dying..
I'm not upset because of his wallpaper only, its also because of other accumulated stuffs which I don't wish to mention. Sigh..

I whine, I complain, I get upset. But at the end of the day, before I go to sleep I'll still be reminded of you...

White Valentine.

Dating back all the way to exactly a year ago, this was the ring Baby gave it to me as a 1st month present.

I did not expect him to give me a ring, as it was only OUR FIRST MONTH being together. God knows how long we would last! But, by giving me a ring it shows that he's really sincere and serious in this relationship. I was over the moon, of course. As usual, we're still happily together even till today, 14 March 2010, 13months together. I can't say its a long time.. But I can gurantee I am happy on majority of the time (: Although I always complain and whine about him.. Heheee. I am really pretty suprised that my first time being in a relationship could last till now.. Although some people always said, we may not marry each other in the future as we're still young, too young to think and see through carefully. But, I am and will prove them wrong (:

Baby I love you, I know you're pretty pissed off by that silly stupid prank of mine. But I really love you, how can you ever doubt it? Counting down from now, exactly 30days to our 14 months being together, on the 14th. Sweet much????

Today morning before I woke up, Mummy then jumped on our bed and popped a question to us " Wanna go M'sia shopping?"
Immediately me and sis ringed our boyfriend to ask them join us, but sadly they are both sick! Gah, so we went ourself as a family. An abrupt decision made by Mummy. Sadly, everyone had their things, but I had NOTHING.
The clothes, bags, shoes weren't nice! Got Baby his contacts over there, the blue is nice.. Hmm, the brand Xiaxue's wearing! Yay, Ima tired girl now..
Tomorrow Mom and Dad out for golf, Kakak Church! And they're gonna leave me and sis in the lurch! HHAHAH.

Baby wanna go IT fair.. But..


Nights! I think Baby loves his Gucci wallet more than me now! Argh

Forever is in our dictionaries.

Baby love me to the bits!



HOHOH! So today had got Baby his best presents ever in his life! Yes, we went Town up and down finding the suitable wallet for him. After searching at DFS and Paragon's Gucci itself, there's one wallet that caught his eyes! Without hesitation, asked for price and made payment.
I know Baby can't wait to use his Gucci wallet bought by me.....

Hmm, ask me whether its expensive or not, I'd say its within my budget and its worth the price. Because its Baby's 19th birthday present! And he have longed for a Gucci wallet.

Cover of the box :D Was so happy and excited snapping pictures all the way. Hahah, because I have never ever bought someone sucha expensive present.. Baby is the first! Hehe :D

See, even the inner side of the box also have Gucci printings!

Baby's Gucci wallet. ♥

The receipt, which also serve as a warranty for one year!

Btw, when the salesgirl wrote the receipt for us, Baby have to sign it on a book, and whats so cool is that the book have Gucci printings too! So nice. But sadly, I dont have a picture of it!

All in one.. So, yup to summarise today was shopping for Baby's advanced birthday present, and we got it :D

Now, he's gotta yang me for the rest of the month till I get my allowance :D

And Baby's wallet is scratch and water-resistant! So good right. Unlike my BEBE. Its all torned now!

Today what we have with us was Victoria Secret vs BEBE vs Mont Blanc vs Gucci vs Ralph Lauren vs COACH.

HEHEH.. Not trying to show off, but I hope one day Louis Vuitton would appear up there too :D

So yesterday was a hectic day for me. Ended school late, on top of that, still had extra lessons for chemistry. Rushed home and headed to NP with Baby to hand in his form, cabbed there as he was worried the office would be closed.
When we reached there, everything was settled in less than 10minutes. 2hours+ journey back to Tampines and I headed to tuition. No time for breaks at all, 2 hours later lessons ended and Mom sent me home. Had Mac for dinner. Did homework, slept only at 1145pm.
So my day yesterday was rush, did not have my lunch and only had dinner @ 10pm.

Today, however was on the contrary. Everything today was going on slow and smoothly. School ended early, headed home for a good rest as I spent my entire week by sleeping late.
Was unable to have lunch as I was too, too tired.
Slept from 2 till 7. Awesome nap without any disturbance, except for that my sis shouted "Why she sleep open mouth so big?!" I heard that clearly even though I was in deep sleep.
Now I'm all done with a refreshing shower. Homework would be next.
Anyway when I broke the news to Baby that ethan(sis's bf) was hospitalized, he was so shocked!! HAHAH, anyway heard from my sis, he is fine now. Hopefully..


And I got my money all ready to get Baby's 19th birthday present! Wakakak!

Baby little actions, made my day!

HOOORAY PEOPLES!

I am a very very happy girl today, I can't stop thinking about that sweet incident (:
School was kinda, hmm, mundane.. Nothing much, just that I feel our class really owes MissTan an apology, be it a public apology or just a simple apology; we still ought to say it.

Anyway baby proved me wrong today. Heh, he initiated to come my house without me forcing him! Was so happy.. And when he told me what happened ystd(i cant say, its confidential) made me even happier! Double happiness :D
I knew I could trust him, baby you're the best.You love me, its not the words that proved it, it was your actions, you are responsible. I know I can count on you. <3

YAY. So baby made my day today although I wasn't kinda having good times in school. Hope tmrw I would be able to accompany him to NgeeAnn Poly to submit some forms before going tuition :D

Friendships are so vulnerable. Goodbye my friend.

Whenever I look at this picture it reminds me of you. (No name would be mentioned in this post.)

Because I remembered clearly, it was taken using your phone's camera. And there were plenty of our pictures in my desktop, but I've already deleted which I can't find any good reasons for me keeping it.

Thinking back,about 4 years ago. Hah. I am laughing to myself while typing these now. We're so close to each other to an extent that we can never be seperated. But, look where we are now? Each time we walked past each other in school, the awkwardness arouse. I didn't like that feeling though.

Well, people do change. Indeed, among all, you changed the most. Noone would have expected this outcome. However, people around you just gotta accept it. Accept the fact that you've changed. Unlike me, I dont need to care what changes you've made. Because ever since that incident, we've parted. Not a single bit of memories of ours should be left behind my mind, as it is already meaningless..

I, however, still don't and won't want to believe in friendship. Its happiness if you have it right, but it can be a disaster if it didn't turn out the way you wanted.

Anyway. Today I was being blur, because I took the wrong bus to school and in the end I had to run to school barefooted as my school shoes are too, too,too loose! Reached in school already late.. The rest, lazy to elaborate. Hope things would get better tmrw! I miss Baby, he just woke up. Time check: 6.20pm, evening. And he's gg out soon with his friends.

I always thought, to him, his friends are more important than me. I hope someday, he could prove me wrong.

I'm back from a very boring day!

Everything today was dull, dead. No colours at all, Baby woke up in the evening. Was expecting him to come find me, however, his friends took my place. Sigh.
Nevermind, everything was being overlooked. Its all fine now, calm and peace.
Spent a boring 5hours+ at cousin's place. I don't know how the hell did I manage to get through that 5hours++ without my sis. She's working today btw.
Anyway I just registered my tuition class this afternoon! Lesson commence on next Wed :D Can't wait to feel all tensed up!!! Gonna mug like crazy these few months. Hope Baby will still be by my side, then. I really hate myself recently.

I've been a bad gf, always bring up the word 'breakup'. I seriously need to stop it! How can I bear to let go of him?!?! In addition, if my parents know, they'd be thinking I bully him ):
Anyway, what happened just now should be forgotten. Sorry Baby.I've been extremely paranoid and insecure, keep spamming calls like crazy to you. I know you do feel irritated, I'm awfully sorry for how things turned out.
I love you always, can't wait for you to turn 19 in another 14 days :D

Good a morning. Just had a warm cup of milo for breakfast to set my awfully cramped stomach!

Yesterday was supoosed to be a shopping day for me, however, there are no nice clothes around. Forever 21, topshop. Sighhhhhhhh. And my cramped stomach wrecked everything.
Oh anyway my CA1 results are out already. 've not checked my results but I briefly know how much I scored. Hmmm.

I don't feel special in your heart anymore ):

For those ladies who are feeling the same way as me. Please read this.

Guess this is true to everyone. When you fall in love with someone, its sweeter than sugar candies. Even after a couple of months, its still as sweet as ever. Its as though the love in your heart never dies. (this was how I feel a couple of months ago)
But do you realise, the longer you go the tougher it gets?

For me it sure did made my life tough, but I always tell myself. I love him, and I must be able to accept the shortcomings of him and also to be with him at times of difficulty. How tough it gets, as long as I'm with you, it's totally fine baby.

Truth to be told, I can't seem to think clearly while typing out here. My head feels heavy

Nowadays when I yell at him, I see our future. This is going to become what of us 10 years down the road. I'll be his 24/7 wife chasing him to come home.. I thought to myself, will he be able to accept my nagging and listen to me?
Each time we quarrel. My fears for getting married increased. Its not because I don't love him, I'm scared to marry him. Its just that I'm afraid after marriage our relationship will turn sour, ain't sweet anymore. And this isn't a joke.
As women, these are all our fears. Maybe now you don't realise it. But as time passed, you gone through what is like to be sweet, sour, bitter in stages of relationships. Then you'll understand.

I'm feeling a tad insecure now. Hoping for a warm hug from you. This sounds old and cheesy, but this is the only thing I want now.

In the past, I don't really care how late you'll go home, where you'd go, including clubbing. But now, I'm taking too much control over you. Which I can't stop myself from doing so!
I don't know why. But whenever I call you, asking where are you.. It seems irritating, but its becoming a habit of mine that I have to call you to know where you're at, what you're doing etc..
I'm trying my best to kick of this bad habit. But coming to think about it, other than you who can I call? -no one.


I just hope that you could go home early and reply my msges, for now..

Ended the day early by having rashes breakout in school after morning assembly :B
Was sent home, many people in the office avoided me like some infected incurable diseased patients with the fear of my rashes would pass to them. Momma sent me to see the doctor with kakak. Guess its some allergy. Should be able to attend school tomorrow D:

Am forcing baby to come my house for consecutively 2 days! But all failed, Im sucha lousy girlfriend with no power in hands at all!!!! Guess he's back in dreamland and I'd just have to spend the rest of my day by rotting.
A little upset, but what can I do? When will he ever understand that I really need him by my side. Sigh.. Ystd was like that, today also. When will it ever end? 5.11pm in the evening yet still lazing around leaving me all by myself.
Our relationships are on the rocks.. I need to shift it back on track.

Someone failed to carry out his word. Which made me extremely sad and disappointed.

Initially I thought having a boyfriend is having someone to give you additional love, care and attention.. Yes, you did give me all these.. But something is still lacking somewhere..