I chanced upon this

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.

She said, "I miss you."

I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."

She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine.

I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eaten lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"

Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having lived together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."

I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"

I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

I'm on cloud nine

Because tomorrow is Wednesday and my school have implemented a new schedule which allows all students to report to school an hour later - 8.25 am. Yes, finally. They should have implemented this earlier, now, I've got only like 4 months to enjoy an hour extra of sleep ):

By the way, school was mundane and boring. I fell asleep during chinese lesson and I hope Mr Kiong would actually put in more effort in calling me to wake up.. Because, he only called my name once when I dozed off. Then, no more. So I slept for the rest of the lesson, like tired only!

And reasons for me being on cloud 9 is because I met up with my cousin today! Whooo, we chilled at Teadot, they have a promotion now! 2 drinks and 2 slices of cakes at only $19.90! I had apple crumble and I'm bound to get back there for more.
We had a lot of talks and I really enjoy myself a lot.. Walked over to grandmum's house. Hehe, my cute little grandmum (:
She's all old and frail, and I feel guilty when I see her alone in the empty house and having to settle her daily meals.
I'll make it a point to visit her every week without fail with my cousins. So I told my grandmum that we're going over for dinner next tuesday and she was excitedly planning for our menu and asking what we loved to eat. Caring much? Hehe.


I'm running out of what to say, and because I love you comes from deep in the heart.

Bonjour

I'm just back from school. Lazing on bed typing these to kill time..

I was late on the first day again! A curse I couldn't break. I'm always like, LATE.
Went to pierce my conch again. It hurts this time! The uncle pierced on my swell so I was like ouchhhhhhh, but silent in my heart.

Going out later on for a walk, I need a walk and a breather. I feel so stressed lately, I'm so sad. Thinking if everything was meant to be, why things turn out like this?

I hope I could pour everything out. So painful. You know how bad it feels? I keep thinking, you chose freedom over me. Is freedom pretty, cute or kind? Who is freedom? Why you chose freedom over someone who truly loves you? But then I realize, I always thought if I loved you hard enough, then everything is gonna work out. But, I'm wrong.

So, forget about Iloveyous, it isn't practical, it is useless. I am useless, loving you is useless. Everything I did is useless, even in holding on for so long. I thought time could get the better of me, but I'm wrong, again.

Life isn't a job.

Alright, today was the last day of the roadshow(!) And I'm so fucking happy because it was so tiring to work for, I'm like so busy attending to customers and having to tolerate their nasty temper!
Like today, I was approaching one of the customer and introducing my company then she fuckingly stuffed her fingers in to her ear. Like I'm very irritating like that sia!
And another one, I was the balloon fairy and giving out balloons then a boy, around 10 year old if I'm not wrong, he came over to me, and just snatched the balloons! As if I'm a clown or what, pissed!

But well, customers are always right ~

Hehe, it was fun still. I made a lot of friends with the girls! They all think I act and look like a bunny. Because as they say, I'm always being very active and hopping around. AM I???

And the DJ over there was so bad. He said when he first saw me, he think I looks sweet. But when I started talking he was shocked and startled by my sexy voice! Yes, my voice is hoarse I know that myself. Now, after working and talking non-stop to customers for 10 hours, my voice are even worse! Hmph.

Oh by the way, I stood under the sun too long today and my scalp are burnt. Yes, I didn't know scalp could get sunburns too. It was painful and red ): I swear, it doesn't feel good.

School tomorrow, 406 HERE I COME!

Ironic

I'm fucking amused by myself of being so afraid of pain yet I'm seeking my own death now.

Well, we all blame love when our loved ones push us away. We hate love, we became afraid to love. But, bear in mind; love didn't turn away and tell you he didn't love you. That boy did. Not love. So, I wonder why people hate love and blame love? Even me, myself. I hate love.

-

Work was awesome! It made me feel all exhausted and worn out. I swear, it isn't easy to work in an event roadshow, under the blazing sun.. By the way, I got burnt by the sun. But, only the apples of my cheeks were red.. Its all fun and interesting to work with a team of people, around your age! But, once again, I'm the youngest in the team. When I tell people, I'm sixteen, they open their eyes big big and stared at me. ):
Tomorrow would be the last day of the roadshow, I'm happy like fuck!!!!!!

By the fucking way, I hate people wearing geek specs. Don't they even fucking realize how awful they look with it? I was in the bus, last night and I saw this girl wearing geek specs, I have the urge to go up to her and ask her take it off, because it looks way too bad. No joke.

Goodnight!

Empathizing

I'm happy with my work today and I met really nice people. Maybe its because I was the only girl and I was the youngest over there. Many people were afraid I couldn't manage the heavy stuffs and offered help to me, generously.
Anyway, to clear your doubts, I'm working for a 1 day event at a restaurant called Novus located in Singapore Museum. Its actually a really really simple job for me, I just had to refill the guests glasses with iced water - thats all. And do you know who are the guests we had today? It was around 20 people who are big shots and influential.
By the way, the guests were all very powerful and they were holding a meeting about our nation's affair, I heard a little about it from the meeting.. You can see really young lady like around 30+ year old holding a post of a CEO. I was really impressed and I'm inspired by her, really. And I also met 1 of Singapore's Minister, under the Navy if I'm not wrong. And also the very well-known and famous Professor Tommy Koh! He's a big shot, I'm not lying! He's the current Ambassador-At-Large at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs; Special Adviser of the Institute of Policy Studies and Chairman of the National Heritage Board.

I was so awed by all the influential people I met today, really an eye opener! And there were even bodyguards outside the banquet.
They're holding a meeting in the Museum and they booked a fine-dining lunch with Novus, the company I'm working under.

Speaking about fine-dining, its all about - etiquette. I had to be really really extremely wonderfully perfectly careful in refilling their glasses and I could not make a single bitsy tiny miny mistake. But, thanks to my really wonderful pair of hands, no mistake were made! I had fun working for this company and my only complain is that my boss told me to take out my little mushroom. And so, my conch piercing is officially closed now and its swollen like a mushroom! Gonna get it pierced again when the swell goes away..

-

This is the painful path I chose to take.. I have to bear with it, even its constantly hurting me like I'm walking on a bed full of nails.. I can't express nor voice out whats' happening to me lately because of no reason. I just can't, and I won't. Sigh, perhaps if one day you see me breaking down in the streets/school you can come forward and ask, whats that one thing that I've been keeping from my blog. That one thing, is said to be one of my closest, precious - secret.

By right, I should be sleeping now

because I have work tomorrow which needs me to be awake @ 6am.

By left, I'm not tired at all and have no intention of sleeping, seriously!

Well, I really gotta wake up early, even earlier than school times. HEHE, I'ma pig seriously and I wake at 7 during school times. ^OO^

Met up with my girl, Jesslyn at Bugis today! We had many girls talk and I'm really glad that she & her boy are still lasting till now - its their half a year together next Monday.

And, if they break up, I'd be guilty and hold myself responsible for making both of them sad ):

Because I was the one who introduced and matchmaked them, 7 months ago. Yep! So if anything goes wrong, I'll blame myself!

Ok, back to our outing. Basically, we had lunch at Pastamania and walked around Bugis Street. And I bought myself a sweet-smelling perfume. Its really really sweet ~ And a mushroom bling stud for 8bucks! Daylight robbery! But I still bought it and put it on my conch piercing. HAHA, everyone thinks it looks cute. And headed back to Bedok for tuition and back home after that.

As usual, hungry me would head down for supper at Macdonalds'. As they have late night treats for meals at a super affordable price. Let's say, it only cost 8bucks for a 9piece nuggets meal. Thats why I frequent dine at Mac now and am feeling fat, no kidding. If I gain somemore weight, I'd not be able to wear my new clothings ~

Well, me have to report to work at 7.45am, NATIONAL MUSUEM, HERE I COME!!!!

Well, I had a kinda bad afternoon! I had a call from Recruit Express at 4.30pm and I had to go down for an interview ASAP as it closes at 5pm! So I dashed out of house, donned in simple floral tube and short pants.. I was reaching the company and there was this road that I have to cross to eventually reach my destination. So, to waste no time, I jay-walked(as I always do when everyday while going to sch). To my horror, I was stopped by 2 policemen -.- And thanks to them, they patiently wasted 5 minutes of my time which I could never get back! And so they took down my personal details etc.
They caused me to be late for my interview as the building had already shut the gate at 5pm sharp! But well, Recruit Express managed to call me and had me up to the building, had interview and yup. I'd be working on Thurs at National Musuem -.- Now, I think 6 bucks per hour is very little. But, too bad. The pay is standard for events..

Got back home and headed to tmart with my sister. We chilled around the bubbletea shop area till around 7 and decided to leave. Till we saw...

HER! Alright, one of my funny friend I swear! We've known each other at Bugis - our workplace when I was in Secondary one! We spent times together, got scolded by boss, and everything fun, we've had it together! And its been like a year, since I saw her in the streets?
And ya know why I said she's funneh????
Here goes, we're exchanging numbers as I've lost her contact and so do her!
So I was calling her, then my number would appear in her phone. But, she, thinking it was a call from her friend, picked my phone call up.



HER: Oh, I've a phone call, I think its my friend.
*looks at her phone screen seeing the unfamiliar number*
HER: Oh, its not my friend.
*picked up my phone call*
HER: Hello, hello, hello? Who are you? Anyone there?
*me and my sis were then amused by her and we went aside and started giggling at her*
HER: Hello hello, stop laughing can? Who are you?

Then, me and my sister bursted out in laughters! Like, seriously. She's kinda blur and silly hur? But, that made our day!
And we continued chatting, updating each other's life. And I really feel comfortable talking to her.. Weird, but we really had a lot to talk about despite the fact that we've not seen each other for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time, we do not feel awkward at all! Haha, meeting up with my work pal tomorrow. ^^

By the way, when I told my sister I got caught for jay-walking, she laughed at me, real hard and bad! ):

Completely lost

Went back to school to complete my artefact for D&T this morning.
Well, I really have to say this - it sucks. I don't know what the hell am I doing now, I'm like a puppet, not any better than a nodding puppy, I swear.
My artefact turned out to be so different from my Design Folio.. Its alright if there's minor changes and adjustments, but mine is like totally different! But I have no say, Mr Lim decided that my artefact had to be this way, and me, the nodding puppy just have to nod a little and there it goes..
And when Mr Lim is not with me, I'm lost; totally lost.
But whats' worse is that my artefact got discriminated by other teachers. Just because 2 teachers bear grudges against each other, it involves the very pathetic student - me.
Sigh, I'm really lost now. I used to always be on track for D&T. But now..

Its sucks to feel this way - totally cocked up.

And what my heart actually wants? Why am I feeling this way again?..

Creepy night..

I have this really creepy and awry encounter last night!
I was in my study room using my desktop, unlike other days where I used my laptop in the living room..
So, it was around 1am in the morning, everone in my household was sleeping, and I heard some little kids playing 'OH YA PEH YA SOMP'.
At first, I wasn't suprised to hear them, but then I was chatting with my friends on MSN and I told them about this. And, their comments was 'CONFIRM GHOST'. Which convinced me and started believing.. As I was staying in the 11 storey, its quite impossible for me to be able to hear noises from downstairs. In addition, it was 1am. Which parents would be in the right mind to bring their children out at this timing?!
I was so afraid but still I looked down the windows to see if I could spot any little childrens, but no one was found! I gasped..
And I continued hearing them OH YA PEH YA SOMP, 3 times, exactly. I creeped and went back to room, hid under my blanket and hugging Cherry very tightly!

And by the way, this happened not only once! This is the second time already! The first time was something red passing by me when I was doing homework in my study room.. Now, I heard some little kids playing OH YA PEH YA SOMP while I was using computer in the study room..

Shopaholic

Yes, shopping have became a full time job to me. But I pay people, not people pay me. So yup, money have been rolling out of my pockets.. I should really control myself, just 2 days I've spent over hundred bucks. But, presenting one of my favourite buys..

A high waisted pants from Topshop! Loving the color so much, and the cutting.. But the price was kinda steep, that I know ): Was wondering if I should take 25 or 26, in the end, I still took 25. As I think, it would like nicer if its tighter (': Hehe.

Shopping continues till Thursday. And Friday I would be working for an event ): Time to slog and make up for the money I spent this month. Hehe (:

Ohyeah by the way(!) This was the screwdriver I had. It taste so bad! Sex on the beach might have be even better, made a wrong wrong choice! ):

And I collected my spectacles from my optician already, hehe ^^

I type and I backspace..

I don't know where to start from, my life almost ruined. It feels like a big slap. Now i smile but next, i sink into tears. I'm so tired crying over my feelings. Who is going to keep me safe from danger? Who is going to protect me from the one i love? Sometimes i feel like crying, sometimes i feel like shouting, sometimes feel like dying. Sooner or later, I will be mentally ill. Let it be, I'm used to it. But I still can't believe you're doing this to me, how dare you. Honey, for how much I love you, you're killing me.

Once again, I got awed by love.

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying..."Just take care of my eyes dear." I'll always love you forever..

Just got home..

Yes, chilled out just now. Had screwdriver which doesn't taste great at all! By the way, screwdriver is a liquor, vodka + orange.
Tired..

When you know you've done your best and put in 100% of your effort.
Think again, 100% is just a number. People thought we did our best and put in 100% effort when we made the aeroplane. And then we made rockets. Now, what is 100% again?


Okay, I've just sent a message to Daddy wishing him Happy Fathers' Day as he's not home yet. He's in Sentosa's casino!!! But well, he was forced to go. Daddy, I love you... (:
My dad's awesome. He can cook, but he only cook steaks and he's an expert in that. I really can't describe how much I love my dad. But, he's a good dad and I really love him and need him. I recall, when I was young, Daddy used to fetch me back home from my kindergarten and if he doesn't bring any sweets or tidbits, I'd give him a lashing! You know, I was a really unreasonable girl and I love eating a lot! And as Daddy always rush to fetch me after work, he could hardly have time to buy me tidbits.. So as always, I'd scold Daddy and he'll pamper me like a little princess and drive to the nearest petrol kiosk to get some tidbits to make me happy. My daddy was great, wasn't he?

And this year, recently.. I broke my heart, I experienced my first break up. But Daddy was there to stand by me. He did not scold me for disregarding the time and run out of house just to find Z. He did not blame me for acting silly. He didn't. Even when he saw I was in tears, all he said was, be strong baby. He consoled me, encouraged me. He taught me how to get up on my feet, let go of everything even if I did not want to..
Daddy encouraged me in everything I do..
When Z and I were still together, he did not object to our relationship. Instead, he treated Z as our own. But now, we've broken up. And Daddy did all he can as a Father, to get me up on my feet. He was the one who told me not to be a weakling and give up just because I lost it this time. I love you so much, Daddy and equally as much to you, Mummy.


Its 3.05 am in the morning now, tucking myself to bed soon.

Hi, may I love you?

Okay, so basically yesterday was spent with ALICIA! I'm sorry I was late ): So, we met up at Pasir Ris interchange and had our conch pierced at New Generation! Hehe, finally ~

All I can say is that it wasn't as painful as what people said it is! So headed to Suntec for BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP. But apparently, the shop had already relocated and the nearest outlet would be Vivo City. And we had to get out ass down Vivo City as Cherry as crying out for new clothing!
Got there and both of us were so fascinated by the amount of clothes they had, just for teddy bears! Clothings, accessories, undies, booties, socks! Top to bottom, you name it, they have it!

So basically I had to wash Cherry up over at the little bathtub with a little brush in hand. Scrubbed her body. So cute! And I even wanted to fluff her with more fur, but I realised all the bears over there were so skinny, unlike mine. ): Must be Z's fault for stuffing so much fur into her the other time!
And we spent approximately an hour over there choosing clothes for Cherry.

Alicia kept trying on clothes for Cherry and it seemed that everything doesn't suit her! That is why, she looked so fat in every clothes.. ):
Finally, after much consideration I chose a uniform-like clothes for her. Okay, it might still look funny but its the best among all!!!! And it doesn't come cheap as well..


Hehe, walked around Vivo city and headed to Simei to have Eighteen Chefs and homed! HEHEEEEE. I was happy because Cherry was. Although Alicia wasn't! :p


Pictures were mostly taken over at the workshop.. Look out for the captions!


Z got this printed at Build-a-bear last year for our 6months anniversary. Was he a good boyfriend?Cherry rightfully belongs to me, stuffed with hugs by Z. I remember when he passed Cherry to me, I was so happy till I cried..




I looked like I have buck tooth here. :B

Scrubbing the underarms, belly and everywhere. Indeed she looked cleaner!

Anyone who sees these would be spoilt for choices, won't they?!

Lucky teddy bears. Am I right?!

So cool. I LIKE.

See, cherry looking in the mirror!

This was the outfit I bought for her..

But we still tried on others. Like this Jumper, she looked like a boy next door! Hmph.

PLUMP MAMA-SAN.

Got out of build-a-bear. Loving my new Cherry. She's more huggable now!!!

Traces of her ZILIAN-ing using my phoneeeee!

I took this for her, nice?

Walking on water, cool?

My eyes are small, I ADMIT! ):

And, weeks ago. I got myself a nude lipgloss @ Paragon. Disregard the price, the quality rocks ^^

Answer: Z was definitely a good boyfriend. Although I know by now, many people would have see him as a bad boyfriend/guy. But he have the capability to make me happy, very happy. And he was true to me, and I really love him (:

Midnight now..

Just finished supper at Mac with sister, we were both hungry and decided to head down for food. And like the other days, crazy soccer fans were cheering the whole time while we're enjoying our meal. Like, we couldn't even have a peaceful meal. But, luckily the match ended around 12 and we managed to get a few moment of silence.

Hmm, love have not taken its toll on me. Don't worry people, I'm not down yet. I'd continue living life well and great as I know I'll meet better people in the future. So to people who are in the same situation as me, don't give up! We need to stay strong to enjoy our life, and of course to look forward to our future in meeting good people. We shouldn't be a weakling, :D

Although I still have my very unhappy moments, but I guess everything would be likely to fade away in time to come. I admit I still have feelings for Z and I love him very much. But, so what? I've already let go of him and our relationship. I really won't and I can't have him back anymore. But.. I don't deny, that at times I contradict myself by wanting him back again. Afterall, its been a long time, 1 year 3 months. You think it was an easy path for us? Nah, we had ups and downs like many other couples. But we had our very sweet time together as well. Really.
But who would ever understand how I feel? Or lets say, who could ever know how it feels to be me?

I kept everything you gave me not because I was greedy or I still wanted you back. Its because I cherish everything you gave me. And I love our past, I really do. Things you gave me reminded me of our past. And it also reminded me that people you love could actually be so cruel to you..

You said your ex was cruel. But what you did, was 10 times more cruel than her. Know why? Because you're a guy, and you have deeply hurt a girl who intensely loved you. I was innocent, I did nothing wrong. But, because of your cruelty, I was badly hurt. Badly..

Love takes time.

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all others, including Love. One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.

Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, "I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."

Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, "Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.

Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered. "But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Every atom of me missed him

Yesterday:
Although I already have a DBS card, but I went to make a UOB card too :p
And at the same time I applied my debit card from UOB. I was like the last customer there as I only reached the bank at 3.40 pm while the bank closes at 4pm. So the banker asked me to sign a few documents and she was wondering why all my signatures looked so different! And I spent another 10 minutes signing it the same way! ):
Headed to Town for mini shopping and cabbed back to Tamp as I was worried I'd be late for tuition. Cab fare was 9bucks and the extra charge was $7!!!!! Gave the uncle $20 and left the change for him as he was old and seemed poorthing~

Today:
Town again for shopping!!!!! I think my pocket is leaking or what, I keep spending money ~
Was tired and did not apply make up, my skin can breathe so ^^
Had Aston and as I saw the menu I feel like crying because I used to frequent dine at Aston with Z. ):

We had a whole lot of beautiful memories which are still lingering in my mind.
Don't ask why, its because you're the only guy I love.

Mmmm. Snuggling on bed right now with such a perfect weather <3
Wonderful..
Shall head out later for a mini shopping spree, alone.
Yes, loner ftw ^^


By the way(!) Foursome(kakak,me,sis,dad) secretly snuck up to mom and brought a birthday cake with lighted candles last night 12 am and sang her a birthday song! She was moved to tears..

Bye.

I had a sweet dream that seemed real. I dreamt Z was sleeping next to me in bed. I even felt his warmth and smell. Everything feels real.. Till I turned and saw it was actually my sister.

Had Subway with sister and bought a birthday cake for Mom's birthday.
Its tomorrow(!) And we planned to surprise her when the clock strike 12 tonight by singing her a birthday song and bringing the cake to her while she's sleeping..
Hehe ^^



Nonetheless, I still love Z. Ok, shut up.

I've yet to find that someone..

Someone who truly understands my feeling and would empathize, be there for me.
I think its suckish, my life now. I'm too reliant on Z, that is why I feel so lonely now.
That is why I'm always left alone, even now!
And I'm not talking about love here, I'm talking about friendships..
Friendships. Why, am I not friendly, outgoing enough? Why can't I find someone who will be there for me? That person don't have to be a girl, a boy would be okay. Is it that hard to find someone?

Sigh, human relationships always leave me speechless. Am I that bad in handling matters like this? Why can't I just be like normal people enjoying the companion of friends? Its been a long time since I feel the comfortable feeling of going out with someone I like. I miss that feeling though.
Am I really that bad in expressing my feelings? I guess so.. That is why I failed in both friendship and relationship.

I got my heart broken and hurt.




Am heading out, soon.
Being alone is always better.

I hate emotions

Tears tears tears tears tears.
Pain pain pain pain pain.

No amount of money would be able to stop these. So what, I've got so much money now. I still feel empty and unhappy.
Oh boy, I'm so free now.. In the past, I'd always squeeze time out to spend it with you. But now, its different.. I've got so much time to spare....

I feel like banging the wall now. Should I?

If you could read my mind.

You'd be in tears.


Most relationships tend to fail, not because of the absence of love.
Love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much, and the other was being loved too little.

So baby, are you aware of how lucky I am to be loved by you for the past 1 year?
I've always wanted to tell you this, but I'm lacking the courage..
You may not be the best, but I'm contented to have someone being true & faithful to me for a year - its a tribute.
Its not the promises, words and everything that made our relationship look presentable. Its your actions that proved me that someone actually cares and loves me. You're the one, at least for once. But just once is enough, I love you.
I know I won't have you back anymore, but I really have no idea why the fuck am I typing these out.. I think, no. I'm not having wishful thoughts.. I'm just hoping, one day you'd find someone else better than me and treat her like how you treated me; in the good ways I mean, prove to her you're the guy she can trust.

I trusted you, I did. When I knew you, I knew how well my heart would be safe with you. I trusted you, I wasn't wary of you at all...
But maybe we're just not meant to be. Love will tear us apart. I'm not acting hero, even so, I'd still love you.

Am I silly? Maybe I am. Loving a guy who don't even loves you back. But for all I care, and I know. Love is stronger than death. Least, by loving you wouldn't make me feel empty. No one would even understand me, but its alright. (:

13th.

So I'm back from Town again, with some pretty dresses (:
Been hitting Town for consecutively 4 days!

And today was a special day.. It's my first month being in singlehood!
Am I not very happy? Answer is; Yes, I'm not very happy about it despite being free like a bird for this month.
Perhaps people would think a month would be enough to erase a year worth of memories, but it isn't ok!!
It is always easier said than done, TRUST ME.
But I would prefer letting the memories fade away gradually than forcing myself to forget everything in such a short period of time.
Afterall, this love was beautiful and its definitely worth staying in my mind and heart.

Today I went Suntec, I looked at everything in the mall. Every little corner we used to go.
We used to dine at Aston after my work, remember? And everything, you used to close my pushcart for me, you used to carry my bag.. Surprise me by appearing out of sudden, sending me home.. If I continue to type on, I'd be in tears. So thats all for now.


I'd love passing by Singapore Flyers.. telling people I know that I once sat on it with the guy I love and we both felt as if we're on top of the world.. I love you and thanks for loving me so deeply for once.. I know you did. Thank you for your unconditioned love. You may not need to know, but I still love you my friend. (:

Take my wealth, return me happiness.

Spent my day yesterday by heading to school for DnT in the morning and lonely shopping in Town during afternoon.
I spent a couple of hours in F21 and I loved ittttttt. Although the fitting room's queue was almost long enough to kill me but I enjoyed shopping there, alone! Went up & down the 4 storey shop and I got myself 2 lovely cropped top. (:
And had dinner at Ajisen with one of my male buddy, Jeff.

Today, headed out for movies with male budd, we caught Nightmare In the Elm Street! My second M18 film ^^
There're many gore & bloody scenes. Okay, I was screaming all the while!!!!!!!!!
Walked around Town and came home early as my body was breaking out in rashes again.


I think I was looking very happy, but I wasn't. Each time I missed you, I'd cry out loud. I would scream your name.
I see couples in the streets, we were like them before, weren't we Baby?
I missed someone holding my hands, someone being there for me, always.
Why, when you let go of me, you didn't ask if I want to?
I wasn't given any choice, fuck.

It takes 2 to love. 1 to break your god damn heart.

Okay, this post may be quite redundant or people may think I'm trying to be an emo shit.

Yes, in any way I am ):

I was in the toilet just now and something suddenly strucked upon me. I started thinking how mean & cruel Z was when he initiated broke up with me that led on for days..


Thursday, 13 May. I remembered how happy I was when I got home as examinations have officially ended. And I was happily planning for our outing the next day which was Friday and our anniversary.. Till that hurtful message reached me and broke my heart into pieces..
And I went up to your house, kept begging and crying but to no avail. Everything I did, did not help at all.. I went home, unwillingly.

Friday, 14 May. I turned up at your house again. But I left very quickly..

Saturday, 15 May. I did not find you at your house. But all along I was messaging you and even calling you. But your phone have this ability to block calls, so you blocked every incoming calls from me. That made me even more lost and sad. I was left awake in the night, crying..

Sunday, 16 May. I turned up at your house again.. But you weren't home.. I could not reach you at all.. I was stranded in the road, under the rain, in the dark.. I was so afraid..

Just this 4 days was enough to kill me. Your departure, loneliness and emptiness are eating me alive. I even had thoughts of suicide, but I did not do so of course.

Although I did blame you, but I forgave. Because I was brave enough to understand that people makes mistake and its also because you're the only guy I love.

5th June, right after the party I was down with fever! I recall someone sponging me with cold towel on my body during the wee hours, that someone was my sister!! She even woke up early around 9+ to feed me food and sponge me with cold towel again. ^^ But I was seriously feeling like hell, I don't know how high my body temperature was, I only know my body was burning and I could not even touch water as I'm having rashes due to the beer I drank. Yes, that bad. I didn't know I was allergic to alcohol. ):

Okay, I've not fully recovered yet.. Tired now, byebye..

Happy Birthday, to me

So...Birthday girl was down with flu & a very bad cough that left her awake the whole night.

Its finally my sweet 16th!!! And thank you peoples for wishing me when the clock struck 12. Teeheee.
Woke up early as my cough was killing me.

Headed out for lunch with Z at this very nice restaurant named 'Giraffe' located at Istana Park.
Nice place + great food. I swear the ambience was very nice!!! The whole restaurant was empty only both of us were dining there. I'll definitely go back to have lunch there again. Although their food price are kinda steep, but its worth the quality!

Bused back and on the way Z was disturbing me.. ZZZZ.
Each time I fell asleep, he'll knock me on my head or poke my waist and caused me to wake up in a state of SHOCK. GRRRRR.

I love the food and your companion Z. You made my day, thank you so much..


I'd like to secretly glance at you when you weren't noticing. I wanted to hug you so badly, hold your hands when we're crossing the road and lie on your shoulder when we're in the bus..
But we can't.. I can't.

I like this

The party was supposed to be a success. But the event planner and caterer somewhat screwed everything up. They only supplied us food that could only sustain 25pax.
Daddy have sent a strong mail to the catering sales consultant hoping they could give us a full report from the respective party/parties involved.

And I developed a high fever and rash. Feeling like hell.. Oh and my birthday is tomorrow?

I keep hearing people blame love.

But love doesn't walk away. People do.

And I just keep thinking how you pushed me away that day. How you broke free from me.
I made trips to your house, not just once. In the night, it was drizzling, I was drenched, left in the rain waiting for you. Crying, praying & begging hopelessly..


Maybe what they said is right, it ain't easy for couples to remain as friends even after break up.
I just keep seeing our past, everyday like a broken tape recorder. You keep coming into my mind..
Nonetheless, I still love you. But we'll never have a future.
I thought you'd be the guy I can spend the rest of my birthday I'm left with. But, sadly, only once baby.

That year, when I was 15years old. My family did not celebrate for me, not even a cake was bought. But you, took me out for a meal, a very nice meal. Bought me a branded wallet, a bouquet of yellow roses - my favourite colour, folded-heart straws which you spent nights working on it & hamsters with the cage and everything well-equipped. But that time, our relationship wasn't known to my parents yet. I was worried that they'd find out about us.
But you still gave me my presents, you were afraid to run into my parents at the lift lobby, so you climbed up 9 storeys(I stayed at 11th floor but we met at 9th to avoid my parents) to pass me my present, gave me a kiss & hug. Although it was a simple without any celebrations nor birthday cake but I was already feeling very happy, the happiest girl on Earth.
But this year was on the contrary, I'll be having a grand birthday party, a wonderful delicious cake. Many people will be celebrating my birthday with me, but you won't be there..anymore.
As empty as I am feeling now, I'll still brace up & stay strong. I believe a smile can hide a thousand tears. Thank you baby for letting my 15th birthday to be a meaningful one.

I was grateful for that, really I am.

Perhaps, weiling you're right. Money isn't everything. Money can never buy me happiness.

As I'm still wishing and hoping you'd turn up for my party, I thought again, I'm just a friend of yours. I am in no place to expect or want anything from you anymore.

Some people asked if we both still have another chance to be together, I suppose no..
The damage is done, we're through. We won't turn back time because whats' done is done.

So yesterday headed to town for shopping. (:
Fruitful trip because I bought myself a bag. Yeah, finally I used my own money to buy a bag for myself. In the past, all my bags were bought by Z.
I was supposed to have dinner @ 18chef with Z. But he stood me up because of a friend.
In the past, as his girlfriend, I have the right to get angry & have my stupid fits. But now, I can't do anything about it..
And I'm angry with myself yesterday. I'm angry because I don't have the right to be angry yet I still got angried! Okay, sounds confusing ~


Oh and 16years ago exactly today, June 5 was my due date. And the doctor expect me to get out of my Mom's womb today. But I was stubborn, stayed in for another 3 more days, which was 8june and I got out suddenly when my Mom was having hi-tea in some hotels. HAHHAHAHA!

Gotta run, need to pack my stuffs as I'd be staying in the chalet. Back on Monday! See you peoples at my party. :D


Good luck & all the best for your bike test, my baby

But you'll never find another me

Because you'll miss me petting you to sleep. I'll miss listening to your heartbeat when I lie on your chest, I'll miss you, the whole of you..

I don't understand why people get heartbroken. Its as though every part of my body is broken into pieces.

Light cheesecakes,

Alrighty. Idk why my Archives column went missing ):
Shall fix it some other day, memories are still the most beautiful thing (:

So skipped school today, and I was really really feeling guilty about it. But then, I'm not going to attend school tomorrow too. I'm so in the holiday mood, damn :\

Woke up early despite my absence in school. Once I received Samsung's message, I immediately hopped on my sis's bed and dragged her out to collect my phone ^^ Wonderful sis, not.... She abandoned me aftermath..

Cooped up at home for a couple of hours and decided to go for manicure. HEHE ^^ I've pretty nails now, did pedicure too and their service made me feel like a princess.
And the people knew its my birthday, so they made an agreement with me if my nails were ruined before my party, I can still go back there and they'll fix it for me FOC. Wonderful right?
But the girls were laughing at how tiny my toenails are when they applied nail polish on the last toe of mine. They can't paint with one stroke of the brush, they had to use half a stroke instead, like just a dot.

Headed home with a lighter heart, prettier nails, lesser money - thinner wallet.
Shopping tomorrow for accessories! Hope people attending my party would dress up to the theme, like me ^^ 'Beach'


True love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars.
Baby, I thought true love never dies?

So today met up with Z to return him his dictionary..
And all the while I was telling him the jokes I had and now I feel like a total retard as I was laughing off my ass the whole time..

And I'm happy for him! He've changed his style, dyed his hair from orange red to dark brown now and his hair is kept short and neat now. He have even enrolled for his bike licence today!!!! He seemed to grow and change a lot in sucha short period of time. But one thing remain unchanged, he still love branded stuffs a lot. And he's gonna get a Gucci bag for himself, *envies.

Things you don't know about me

1) I bite my blanket to sleep every night
2) I used to stand while peeing when I was young
3) I love money
4) I love walking to school
5) I get hurt very easily when someone I see as an important figure tell me hurtful things
6) I am not sad about my break up with Z anymore
7) I still miss Z
8) But I won't want him back anymore
9) I'm afraid to go out alone with guys(excluding Z)
10) I love yellow and hate pink

It goes on and on.. I'm afraid it'll bore you out.
Number 7 was crap.

Number 6 is true. I overcame the sadness in me. That fast - less than a month.
It wasn't an easy task for me, really. But I used all my might, heart and effort. I did it and am proud of myself.
Really, I did not expect myself to be able to get over it that fast.
Perhaps after months of quarrelling with Z have made me ready for this - our break up. And now I managed to get it over. Or did I under estimated myself for being able to handle situations like this? It remains a mystery though.

I'm not mad at you, or let's say I've never hated you. Neither do I have any regrets being with you before. Its an experience gained and I thank you for this wholesome year we spent together.

For the past weeks, I've been to many places, came across many things. And behind each and every of that place or things, there's always you lingering behind. There're footsteps that marked us being to places we used to go and saliva stains on your favourite foods. Everything marked us. Many things which carries beautiful memories we both once had, it wasn't a pity after all, its beautiful and meaningful having to think that we were once together for a year. A year full of me harbouring hopes on us. A year of you showering love on me. A year of an additional lovebirds in this world. Maybe that was love, true love we once had. I won't regret or complain anymore. I'll just silently think of what happened to us during that one year full of happiness when I come across things or places that reminds me of you.

That one year we spent together wasn't easy to come by, we struggled through, there're imperfections everywhere, dissatisfaction and conflicts between each other. But we still managed to overcome every obstacles we faced and continue going together as 1 and our love was still standing strong. Didn't we?
Although the last 2 months of us being together was a bad and painful one. But I hope the times we spent being happy together were enough to make up for the time we were in pain.
Perhaps, I would say the only thing I regretted was not being able to record or jot down the times that we're at our happiest. There wasn't photographs or any blog entry of our happiness.
I regret for that, but I still remember the feeling of happiness - its like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth. And we both felt it (:

We started out on the 14th February 2009 and ended it on the 13th May 2010. This is through, so are we..
1 year 2 months and number exact of 29 days. Thank you for being with me for that period of time. It wasn't easy for us, there're times where we're on the verge of giving up yet we still persevered..

We were close to victory but..
I still lost you, and we lost the game. But this game, I would say it wasn't a regret.